..as curated by the Picayune Sentinel
[Bethlehem] Three Wise Men: We brought gold, frankincense and myrrh. Mary: Gee uhhh, thanks I guess? Three Wise Men: Where do you want them? Mary: Just put them next to the diapers, wipes and baby blankets. Three Wise Men: Who brought those? Mary: The Three Wise Women — @daemonic3
My new favorite holiday special is “Greta Thunberg Narrates ‘Frosty the Puddle’” … @RickAaron
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you. — @Mothernetic
Fun Christmas Fact: each of the gifts from my true love in “The 12 Days of Christmas” is actually 19th century slang for drugs. — @wildethingy
The fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity. And if it did glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all . — @FeelingEuphoric
Me: I lied to my kids about Santa and I feel terrible. Movie theater employee: Sir, the sign says “concessions” …@PleaseBeGneiss
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for Christmas, it’s a big red flag …@davideastUK
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow sounds like a scene from a horror movie. –@mejustbeth
taking date back home] Her: You wanna get naughty? Me: Yes. Santa Claus: *takes off pretty-girl mask* You just messed up, pal! — @_coryrichardson
Santa: (shaking me awake) Oatmeal raisin? Are you serious right now? …. @Tommytoughstuff
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas? … @Halbeerz
I bet the other nogs never thought “egg” would be the one who made it ….@LostCatDog
No thanks Santa, I’d rather just be naughty all year long and buy my own presents …@CulturedRuffian
f you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do” …@SamGrittner
Same Secret Santa gift again this year. Co-workers must think I really love mouthwash … @kipconlon
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing Christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoelaces. — @TheAlexNevil
The main reason Santa is so jovial is cuz he knows where all the bad girls live. — @AsYouNotWish
Not true, Little Drummer Boy. You could have given the baby your drum…. @badbanana
If I built a snowman and put a hat on him and he came to life I would immediately beat him to death with a shovel … @AndrewNadeau0
I bet the other two wise men were like “the gold is from all of us.” …. @NotthatAdamWest
Sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good… OMG, this song is about my phone …. @ddsmidt
The cool thing about the octopus is that he can light all 8 candles on the menorah at once. He can, but he doesn’t. Out of respect for tradition. …@AndrewNadeau0
My elf on the shelf just stays on the shelf — at the store where I first saw it. … @JustMeTurtle
As a child, I was intrigued by Rudolph. The overlooked reindeer, underdog turned champion of the skies. As an adult, I have put aside such childish interests and turned my attention to Vixen. Why did you name that one reindeer Vixen, Santa? What’s going on man? You good? …@markmarklittle
[13th day of Christmas] Me (to my true love): What do you mean ‘a restraining order’? …@daemonic3
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get. … @AndrewNadeau0
If Santa has the omniscience not only to see but to judge all of mankind, he would have no need to double check the list … @AndrewNadeau0
How can the Green Giant and Santa Claus have the same catch phrase? … @averagegrades
Opening gifts that say “From Mom & Dad” and knowing that Dad is going to be just as surprised as you are … @kelllicopter
This is that magical time of year when me and my brother in law exchange money in the form of gift cards of equal value …@Gooooats
At my age, mixing and-a mingling in a jingling beat sounds exhausting. …. @AmishPornStar1
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas sounds pretty condescending … @senderblock23
No gifts to bring? More like Little Bummer Boy. [Mary and Joseph high five] …@OhNoSheTwitnt
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage. — @bigdumbbrad
Santa should stay at the mall for a few days after Christmas, so kids who didn’t get what they wanted can tell him off …@shawnries
I ask people their New Year’s Resolutions because I like to know their weaknesses. — @chelseadevantez
Little known fact: There was actually a fourth wise man, he brought pumpkin spice and everyone hated him …@pittdave13
The people in that song are asking for material goods (figgy pudding) under threat of harassment (continued singing) and that is extortion … @PFTompkins
The old elf takes a long drag on his cigarette, stares out on the horizon. “Being put on a shelf is a young elf’s game now…” …@TheAlexNevil
“So you’re letting me go? Just like that?” – Mall Santa who didn’t understand seasonal nature of job …@scullymike
Mary: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love. Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face. This…this was great. — @AndrewNadeau0
My 7-year-old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real …@Elizasoul80
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”? … @Jordan_Morris
Eggnog: For when getting fat from eating just isn’t enough …@RandiLawson
I guess it’s okay to say because Santa’s cool with it, but if someone described my belly as “a bowl full of jelly” my feelings would be very hurt …@AndrewNadeau0
Just added a moose to our nativity. You never know, it could have happened. You weren’t there … @Cheeseboy22
Just so we’re clear, The Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair …. @random_weighs
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing …. @RedIsDead
Holiday tip: This winter, hide a collection of bones in your snowman as a surprise for the children when it melts. … @MooseAllain
There are 4 stages in life 1)You believe in Santa Claus 2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus 3)You are Santa Claus 4)You look like Santa Claus …@causticbob
How big a jerk was the wise man who brought gold as a gift?! Helloooo – we set a spending limit …@jamiecampbell79
The only gift worse than frankincense is a gift card for frankincense … @SamGrittner
I bet Jesus regifted that myrrh …@BuckyIsotope
My favorite Christmas song is the one where the two people mock The Lord and His Laws by letting a snowman marry them .. @Longwall26
In line to visit Santa Claus, and the kid ahead of us just told Santa he only wants one thing for Christmas: “the goddamn truth.” …@ConanOBrien
“He’s making a list and checking it 50 times and storing his toenail clippings in a jar” – Santa Claus before he got his OCD under control …. @Puddinstrip
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”….Abe Yospe
Well Christmas happened again this year, despite our best efforts. But don’t lose hope, fellow liberals — we WILL win this war!….@MatthewBaldwin
*Walking in a winter wonderland* ME: Where’s bluebird? BIRD: Gone ME: W… who are you? *bird looks around shiftily* BIRD: I’m new bird …@ryanqnorth
When I was little I asked my dad why Santa didn’t bring gifts to Jewish kids and he said “because we can afford to buy our own damn gifts.” ….@OhNoSheTwitnt
My son asked me, ‘Why does Santa smoke a pipe when smoking is bad for you?’ Since I believe every question is a teaching opportunity. I sat him down and told him, “Santa smokes because it looks cool.” — @CynicalTherapi1
I wrap holiday presents how I have sex. Fast and messy and before my kids try to interrupt. — @Marlebean
“Jingle Horse” sounds like a slur racehorses use for sleigh horses. — @TheAndrewNadeau
Best way to have the “Santa talk” with your kids is to gradually ease into it. First, tell them Santa is very sick. Then the next year, he died. Then when you tell them he was never real, it will come as a relief. @oldfriend99
