- The best Halloween costume is Amelia Earhart. All you have to do is not show up to the party … @jesseberney
- A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already me.” @ronnui_
- I don’t care that he’s a four-year-old child. His pirate costume is historically inaccurate garbage, and he needed to be told …@longwall26
- One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween …@ConanOBrien
- For Halloween I’m giving out stern advice about the importance of thrift and gumption. ….@GianDoh
- The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse….@robfee
- For Halloween I’m going as someone who has given up on life, but, like, in a slutty way …@AndrewNadeau0
- This Halloween I’m going to dress up as me from last Halloween when I dressed up as future me …@online_shawn
- After a certain age, the only Halloween costume you feel like wearing is “Brian Wilson’s bathrobe.” … @DJRotaryRachel
- The hardest thing about carving a pumpkin these days is finding a newspaper to spread out on the table … @simoncholland
And the runners-up:
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.” ….@TheCatWhisprer
Tonight for Halloween, I’m putting an empty bowl on my porch with a note that says “Take One, Please.” … @KentWGraham
On Halloween we dress up as skeletons, but every other day of the year our skeletons dress up as us … @NOTVIKING
For Halloween, I’m going as an adult who refuses to co-opt a children’s holiday as a reason be a drunken jackass … @gknauss
My mouth says: “Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!” My pants say: “For the love of God, I cannot hold on much longer!” ….@Marlebean
[handing out candy to a kid with a really attractive father] So do you have one Christmas or two? …@colleen_eileen
Fun fact: If someone is playing Christmas music in October, you’re legally allowed to kill them & use their corpse for a Halloween display … @CulturedRuffian
Have any other songs been a graveyard smash, or just that one? — @chrisdowning
It’s important to teach your children moderation by only eating a couple pieces of Halloween candy when they’re around and eating the rest after they go to bed @reallifemommy3
I’m at that age where I’m no longer a sexy cat for Halloween, I’m more of a sexy cat lady …@SillySassySmart
For your Halloween party, I’m going as a guy not going…@badbanana
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween” Me: “It’s Halloween?” …@FullGrownChris
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door …@simoncholland
I miss spooky and scary Halloween costumes. You can find slutty all year …@realHamOnWry
Giving out spooky Halloween treats this year; a pamphlet of global climate change timelines …@Home_Halfway
If you come to my house this Halloween you’re getting Tums …@six_2_and_even
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship …@SCbchbum
If you really want to scare everyone this Halloween, dress up as intimacy … @trevso_electric
I’m going as my doppelgänger for Halloween this year … @Kyle1092
I’m probably just gonna be Sexy Dad for Halloween again this year …@PornStar1
Halloween: The day Satan introduces your child to the gateway drug to homosexuality — costumes! … @BettyBowers
Ruined my day by realizing that the song “Monster Mash” is about a song called “The Monster Mash” and we’ve never actually heard that song … @ObscureGent
I never ask teens “aren’t you a little old to be trick or treating?” because frankly, if I thought I could get away with it, I’d be trick or treating. …@lloydrang
I’ve decided to go as Steve Bannon for Halloween unless this cold sore clears up by tomorrow …@MattOswaltVA
Free Halloween costume idea: Set your pants on fire and go as Sarah Sanders … @OhNoSheTwitnt
Last-minute Halloween idea: go to bed early …@badbanana
FUN FACT: If someone is playing Christmas music in October, you’re legally allowed to kill them & use their corpse for a Halloween display … @CulturedRuffian
I hand out Watchtower magazines on Halloween just to make sure the parents don’t get chatty or want to be friends ….@ThaJawn
I’m at that age where I’m no longer a sexy cat for Halloween, I’m more of a sexy cat lady …@SillySassySmart
I’m probably just gonna be a Sexy Dad for Halloween again this year. …@AmishPornStar1 (6)
I never ask teens “aren’t you a little old to be trick or treating?” because frankly, if I thought I could get away with it, *I’d* be trick or treating. …@lloydrang
My mouth says: “Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!” My pants say: “For the love of God, I cannot hold on much longer!” …@Marlebean
The best Halloween costume is Amelia Earhart. All you have to do is not show up to the party …@jesseberney
If you come to my house this Halloween you’re getting Tums …@six_2_and_even
For Halloween, I’m going as an adult who refuses to co-opt a damn children’s holiday as a reason be a drunken jackass ….@gknauss (4)
I hand out Watchtower magazines on Halloween just to make sure the parents don’t get chatty or want to be friends ….@ThaJawn
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children … @brentweets
This Halloween I’m going to dress up as me from last Halloween when I dressed up as future me …@online_shawn
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door …@simoncholland (4)
One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween …@ConanOBrien (4)
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship …@SCbchbum (1)
If you really want to scare everyone this Halloween, dress up as intimacy … @trevso_electric
I miss spooky and scary Halloween costumes. You can find slutty all year …@realHamOnWry (2)
For your Halloween party, I’m going as a guy not going…@badbanana
[trick or treating] 3-year-old: *gets candy from a house* Me: What do you say? 3-year-old: See you tomorrow. …@XplodingUnicorn
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween” Me: “It’s Halloween?” …@FullGrownChris
I’m going as my doppelgänger for Halloween this year … @Kyle1092
After a certain age, the only Halloween costume you feel like wearing is “Brian Wilson’s bathrobe.” … @DJRotaryRachel
Giving out spooky Halloween treats this year; a pamphlet of global climate change timelines …@Home_Halfway
For Halloween, my wife is going as “Woman with Lowered Standards” and I’m going as “Guy She Settled For.” … @RodLacroix
I enjoy Halloween as much as anyone. But did you know you can knock on a random door and ask for candy, then toilet paper the house if they refuse any day of the year? … @SvnSxty
Annual reminder that the fake spider webs you stretch across your front porch look nothing like spider webs and instead just look like you murdered a sweater and have hung up its dismembered corpse as a grim warning to all other knitwear … @ghweldon
The downside of being dumped before Halloween is how lame Sonny Bono is as a costume … @kipconlon
So what, we just have to keep giving away free candy every year? Is anyone working on an exit strategy? … @IamJackBoot
If these trick-or-treaters stop whining and actually read those old New Yorker issues I bet they’ll enjoy them …@JohnLyonTweets
Please remember- if you don’t end your relationship by Halloween you’re gonna have to ride that crazy train all the way through the New Year, it’s the law …. @elunatyk
Me: “Trick or bear!” Neighbor: “Bear?” Me: “HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!” …. [distant roar and sounds of clanking chains] … @rolldiggity
[handing out candy to a kid with a really attractive father] So do you have one Christmas or two? …@colleen_eileen
Have any other songs been a graveyard smash, or just that one? — @chrisdowning
It’s important to teach your children moderation by only eating a couple pieces of Halloween candy when they’re around and eating the rest after they go to bed @reallifemommy3
