I plan periodically to nominate pols for Oscar Rogers Awards. Rogers is a “financial expert” played by Keenan Thompson on “Saturday Night Live” in 2008-09, and his simple solution for every problem was …
Here’s a transcript portion from a 2009 SNL:
Seth Meyers: We all know that our current economic situation has left every American fearful of what’s in store. Oscar, do you see any light at the end of the tunnel?
Oscar Rogers: Well, Seth, there was a light, but it’s broken! And somebody needs to crawl down to the end of that tunnel and FIX IT!
Seth Meyers: Okay, well, that doesn’t sound very promising.
Oscar Rogers: It’s not! These people need to FIX IT! I’ve been a financial consultant for 16 years, and I’ve never seen it this out of control! They need to clamp it down and FIX IT! When I wake up tomorrow morning, it better be FIXED!
Seth Meyers: But how do we go about fixing it, specifically?
Oscar Rogers: Take it one step at a time. Identify the problem. FIX IT! Identify another problem. FIX IT! Repeat as necessary until it is all FIXED!!
Seth Meyers: Uh — you keep saying “fix it,” but how?
Oscar Rogers: FIX IT!
Seth Meyers: Fix what?
Oscar Rogers: IT! It needs to be FIXED! NOW!!
Another representative quote from the fictional Oscar Rogers: “Fix it! It’s a simple three-step process. Step one: Fix! Step two: It! Step three: Fix it! Then repeat steps one through three until it’s all been fixed!”
Goals to solve our most complex problems, in other words, but incredibly skimpy plans.
Nominees from last week’s Republican gubernatorial debate:
Former state Rep. Paul Schimpf, responding to the question, What is the one thing you will do to help us “solve the issue of gun violence?” “We do have to take action on this. Leaders need to lead. But it’s important that we listen first and figure out what solutions actually can help the situation. Leaders need to listen. And we have to do something about mental health, it is a huge issue, we also have to make our schools safer, but most importantly, we have to have a governor who is going to hold himself accountable and say enough is enough.”
Aurora Mayor Richard Irvin on specific steps needed to enhance school safety: “We have to look at this holistically. How do we stop crime generally in the state of Illinois? We’ve got to focus on making sure we support our men and women who wear that badge, who keep us safe every day.”
Businessman Gary Rabine on teaching LGBTQ+ issues in schools: ‘“We’ve got to be a state that really cares about the growth of our kids. And parents, not politicians, need to be building the curriculum with our teachers. We’ve got a lot of work to do in Illinois. We’ve got to become a state where, hopefully, we can bring God and country back into our schools.
Entrepreneur Jesse Sullivan on the first thing he’d do as governor: “When I’m governor, I’m going to crack down on crime here in the state. We’ve coddled criminals for far too long. I’m going to support law enforcement unequivocally. We’re going to repeal this anti-police bill. We’re going to surge the National Guard to be able to treat this like the crisis that it is. We need safety on the streets of Illinois, and I’m going to bring it.”
Attorney Max Solomon in his closing statement: “Our social and cultural values are under attack. Evil used to hide, ladies and gentlemen. Not anymore. Evil is here, and (it’s) attacking our children. I will protect our kids, their security and safety in our schools and what they learn, and make sure there is no indoctrination, only education.
And the Oscar goes to …
State Sen. Darren Bailey on how to reduce violent crime in Chicago: “Mayor Lightfoot, Governor Pritzker, Kim Foxx and their woke, anti-police politics, they are responsible for this. If we’re going to restore Chicago, somebody’s gotta tell the truth. I said it. And when I’m elected as governor, I’ll fix the problem and we will restore the greatness to Chicago.”