The Round of 64
Winners in bold, with percentage of the vote from 822 voters in parenthesis
Doctor: Your parents were in a car accident. Me: How are they? Doctor: They’re extremely critical. Me: So they’re awake, that’s good. — @Browtweaten (72%)
vs.
*Going to bed*Me: Finally, I’m exhausted. Brain: Hey you know what’s a great song? “Help Me Rhonda.” — @EyalTweet
In today’s episode of “How Strong is Your Marriage?” we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white. — @daddygofish (74%)
vs.
I love to take a book and go sit in the park. That way the trees know what happens to them if they try anything. — @TheAndrewNadeau
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy. — @benboven1 (66%)
Do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards? — @rebrafsim
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident. Jill: You got it, boss. — @prufrockluvsong (58%)
vs.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives? One Mrs. Hippie. Two Mrs. Hippie, Three Mrs. Hippie. — unknown
]A week ago my mother-in-law began reading “The Exorcist.” She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil she couldn’t finish it. She took it to the beach and threw it off the pier. I went and bought another copy, ran it under the tap and left it on the bedside table in her room. — @deelomas (72%)
vs.
There’s an old tale that Keith Urban and John Legend once formed a duo. Not sure how true it is. — @craiguito
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?” Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.” — various (76%)
vs.
As part of the merger, the PGA controls holes 1-8 and 12-18. The Saudis do 9-11 — @JamesHesky
Therapist: Anyways… Me: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway.” Therapist: ANYWAY… we were talking about your difficulty making friends. — various (55%)
vs.
The “lock her up” crowd is freaking out about “lock him up.” See, pronouns DO matter. — Unknown
You don’t see faith healers working in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning lotteries. — unknown (67%)
vs.
These fireworks are awesome! High four! — @JohnLyonTweets
Sometimes I have to remind myself to get off the internet, go outside and judge people in person. — @Tbone7219 (73%)
vs.
I need a new Halloween party to attend this year, because I don’t think “Speedo-Man” is getting a return invitation. — @WilliamAder
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. — @AbbyHasIssues (51%)
vs.
I’m at the age where I see a huge, beautiful mansion in a movie and think, “How much does it cost to heat that house in the winter?” — @RodLacroix
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again. — @Cluedont (61%)
vs.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years. — @nerdreign
My visitors cancelled on me at the last minute, so here I am with a clean house like a fucking idiot. — @Anniewritess (75%)
vs.
“Watery” is never a positive description, even when you’re describing water. — @AnneHatfieldVO
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together. @fozzie4prez (61%)
vs.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco.” —@wakeupangry
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.— @_CakeBawse (69%)
vs.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it. — @thedad
When I was a kid you could go to a store with just a dollar and come home with four comic books, three candy bars two packs of trading cards, a bag of chips and a cold drink. Now they have cameras everywhere. — Unknown (76%)
vs.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack. I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin. — @gran_jury
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that. — @IHideFromMyKids (64%)
vs.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-and-seek in the chat and left the meeting. —@Rotten_Wendy
Once you hit a certain age, life is just a delicate balance of trying to stay awake and trying to fall asleep while slowly getting worse at both — unknown (87%)
vs.
My new weight loss plan is to get booked at the Fulton County Jail. — @RickAaron
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot. — @RodLacroix (52%)
vs.
I always thought orthopedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected — @DadJokeMan
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else. — @BobGolen (65%)
vs.
I asked a dog, “Who’s a good boy??” and he got so excited. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it’s me. I am the good boy. — @TheAndrewNadeau
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section. — @Chhapiness (66%)
vs.
From Gingrich to Hastert, Boehner to Ryan to Kevin McCarthy: “Republican Speaker of the House” has become the Spinal Tap Drummer of political jobs. — @JohnFugelsang
Just to expound a bit, ladies, mansplaining is a portmanteau of man and explaining. — @Shade510 (52%)
vs.
If anyone wants to pop over and help me figure out why my house is always so nippy, my door is always open. — @whoelsebutalf
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies. — @Pundamentalism (78%)
vs.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night. I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen. — unknown
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity. — @MumOfTw0 (74%)
vs.
No one actually agrees to terms and conditions. We just click so we can make them go away. — @catcerveny
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer. — @sixfootcandy (51%)
vs.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans three times in a row. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner. — @Tbone7219
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up. Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work. — @HenpeckedHal (76%)
vs.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life. l’ll call it my oughtabiography. — unknown
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school. — @simoncholland (57%)
vs.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s really important that none of you tell him otherwise — @MelvinofYork
Laundry: Washing = 45 minutes. Drying = 60 minutes. Folding = 7 to 10 business days. — @dougboneparth (57%)
vs.
“This is a nice manger and stable you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if anything happened to it.” … The Three Wiseguys. — @WilliamAder
Magic Johnson wasted the world’s best porn name on a basketball career. — @MsMurfie (59%)
vs.
The doctor says, “Don’t worry, Michael. Everything is going to be OK.” Patient says, “I’m not Michael.” Doctor says, “I know. I am.” — From WGN host John Williams’ best jokes of 2023.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common. Friend: Really? Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids. — @ItsAndyRyan (61%)
vs.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my Fitbit. — @JayTorch1031
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout. — @Writepop (57%)
vs.
Feb, 14 is for lovers. Feb. 15 is for lovers of hаlf-price cаndy. —@sarahedwig
All movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier, otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours — @CooperLawrence (51%)
vs.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk. — @BobGolen
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go. But we’re working on fixing that. — @InternetHippo (55%)
vs.
He wrote: “Your adorable.” I responded, “No, you’re adorable.” Now he thinks I like him, when all I did was point out his grammatical error. — Unknown
The Round of 32
Winners in bold, with percentage of the vote from 787 voters in parenthesis.
Doctor: Your parents were in a car accident. Me: How are they? Doctor: They’re extremely critical. Me: So they’re awake, that’s good. — @Browtweaten (54%)
vs.
In today’s episode of “How Strong is Your Marriage?” we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white. — @daddygofish
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy. — @benboven1 (56%)
vs.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident. Jill: You got it, boss. — @prufrockluvsong
A week ago my mother-in-law began reading “The Exorcist.” She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil she couldn’t finish it. She took it to the beach and threw it off the pier. I went and bought another copy, ran it under the tap and left it on the bedside table in her room. — @deelomas (55%)
vs.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?” Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.” — various
Therapist: Anyways… Me: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway.” Therapist: ANYWAY… we were talking about your difficulty making friends. — various (51%)
vs,
You don’t see faith healers working in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning lotteries — Unknown
Sometimes I have to remind myself to get off the internet, go outside and judge people in person. — @Tbone7219 (55%)
vs.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. — @AbbyHasIssues
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again. — @Cluedont (60%)
vs.
My visitors cancelled on me at the last minute, so here I am with a clean house like a fucking idiot. — @Anniewritess
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on. — @_CakeBawse (51%)
vs.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together. — @fozzie4prez
When I was a kid you could go to a store with just a dollar and come home with four comic books, three candy bars two packs of trading cards, a bag of chips and a cold drink. Now they have cameras everywhere. — Unknown (58%)
vs.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that. — @IHideFromMyKids
Once you hit a certain age, life is just a delicate balance of trying to stay awake and trying to fall asleep while slowly getting worse at both. — unknown (71%)
vs.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot. — @RodLacroix
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section. — @Chhapiness (57%)
vs.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else. —@BobGolen
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies. — @Pundamentalism (68%)
vs.
Just to expound a bit, ladies, mansplaining is a portmanteau of man and explaining. — @Shade510
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity. — @MumOfTw0 (69%)
vs.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer. — @sixfootcandy
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up. Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work. — @HenpeckedHal (61%)
vs.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum, until my daughter brought a recorder home from school. — @simoncholland
Magic Johnson wasted the world’s best porn name on a basketball career. —@MsMurfie (52%)
vs.
Laundry: Washing = 45 minutes. Drying = 60 minutes. Folding = 7 to 10 business days. — @dougboneparth
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common. Friend: Really? Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids. — @ItsAndyRyan (70%)
vs.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout. — @Writepop
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go. But we’re working on fixing that. — @InternetHippo (68%)
vs.
All movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier, otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours. — @CooperLawrence
The Tweet 16
Winners in bold, with percentage of the vote from 741 voters in parenthesis.
Doctor: Your parents were in a car accident. Me: How are they? Doctor: They’re extremely critical. Me: So they’re awake, that’s good. — @Browtweaten (71%)
vs.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy. — @benboven1
A week ago my mother-in-law began reading “The Exorcist.” She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil she couldn’t finish it. She took it to the beach and threw it off the pier. I went and bought another copy, ran it under the tap and left it on the bedside table in her room. — @deelomas (54%)
vs.
Therapist: Anyways… Me: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway.” Therapist: ANYWAY… we were talking about your difficulty making friends. — various
Sometimes I have to remind myself to get off the internet, go outside and judge people in person. — @Tbone7219 (51%)
vs.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again. — @Cluedont
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on. — @_CakeBawse
vs.
When I was a kid you could go to a store with just a dollar and come home with four comic books, three candy bars two packs of trading cards, a bag of chips and a cold drink. Now they have cameras everywhere. — Unknown (56%)
Once you hit a certain age, life is just a delicate balance of trying to stay awake and trying to fall asleep while slowly getting worse at both. — unknown (52%)
vs.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section. — @Chhapiness
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies. — @Pundamentalism
vs.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity. — @MumOfTw0 (53%)
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up. Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work. — @HenpeckedHal (63%)
vs.
Magic Johnson wasted the world’s best porn name on a basketball career. —@MsMurfie
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common. Friend: Really? Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids. — @ItsAndyRyan
vs.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go. But we’re working on fixing that. — @InternetHippo (60%)
The E-Tweet Eight
Winners in bold, with percentage of the vote from 1130 voters in parenthesis.
Doctor: Your parents were in a car accident. Me: How are they? Doctor: They’re extremely critical. Me: So they’re awake, that’s good. — @Browtweaten (54%)
vs.
A week ago my mother-in-law began reading “The Exorcist.” She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil she couldn’t finish it. She took it to the beach and threw it off the pier. I went and bought another copy, ran it under the tap and left it on the bedside table in her room. — @deelomas
Sometimes I have to remind myself to get off the internet, go outside and judge people in person. — @Tbone7219
vs.
When I was a kid you could go to a store with just a dollar and come home with four comic books, three candy bars, two packs of trading cards, a bag of chips and a cold drink. Now they have cameras everywhere. — Unknown (58%)
Once you hit a certain age, life is just a delicate balance of trying to stay awake and trying to fall asleep while slowly getting worse at both. — unknown
vs.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity. — @MumOfTw0 (59%)
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up. Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work. — @HenpeckedHal (51%)
vs.
The main cause of immigration is that we’re still a country where people want to go. But we’re working on fixing that. — @InternetHippo
The Final Four
Readers were asked to rank these finalists in their order of preference
- Doctor: Your parents were in a car accident. Me: How are they? Doctor: They’re extremely critical. Me: So they’re awake, that’s good. — @Browtweaten
- When I was a kid you could go to a store with just a dollar and come home with four comic books, three candy bars, two packs of trading cards, a bag of chips and a cold drink. Now they have cameras everywhere. — Unknown
- I love when my husband says, “Correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity. — @MumOfTw0
- Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up. Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work. — @HenpeckedHal
