Published Jan 3, 2008
I’m turning 50 next week. So I thought I’d take the opportunity here to list 50 things I’ve learned in 50 years — truths gleaned from experience and the words of others that guide, inspire and sometimes haunt me:
1. It’s better to sing off key than not to sing at all.
2. Promptness shows respect.
3. You can’t avoid offending people from time to time. When you don’t mean it, apologize. When you do mean it, accept the consequences.
4. The first person to use the expression “Get a life!” in any dispute is the loser.
5. The medium is not the message. Those who issue blanket condemnations of any form of communication — be it TV, tabloids, text messages or blogs — simply aren’t paying attention.
6. The most valuable thing to have is a good reputation, and it’s neither hard nor expensive to acquire one: Be fair. Be honest. Be trustworthy. Be generous. Respect others.
7. Prejudice is hard-wired into us. You can’t overcome it until you acknowledge it.
8. Don’t be bothered when people don’t share your tastes in music, sports, literature, food and fashion. Be glad. You’d never get tickets to anything otherwise.
9. Cough syrup doesn’t work.
10. Empathy is the greatest virtue. From it, all virtues flow. Without it, all virtues are an act.
11. The Golden Rule is the greatest moral truth. If you don’t believe in it, at least try to fake it.
12. Keeping perspective is the greatest key to happiness. From a distance, even a bumpy road looks smooth.
13. You can’t win arguing with police officers or referees, but every so often you can fight City Hall.
14. It’s not “political correctness” that dictates that we try not to insult others’ beliefs and identities. It’s common decency.
15. It may not feel like it, but it’s good luck when you have people at home and at work who aren’t afraid to tell you when you’re wrong.
16. It’s 10 times easier to fall in love than to stay in love. And no matter what the sad songs say about romance, broken hearts do mend.
17. Don’t waste your breath proclaiming what’s really important to you. How you spend your time says it all.
18. Keeping an open mind is as big a challenge as you get older as keeping a consistent waistline.
19. It’s never a shame when you admit you don’t know something, and often a shame when you assume that you do.
20. Wounds heal faster under bandages than they do in the open air.
21. Fear of failure is a ticket to mediocrity. If you’re not failing from time to time, you’re not pushing yourself. And if you’re not pushing yourself, you’re coasting.
22. Anyone who judges you by the kind of car you drive or shoes you wear isn’t someone worth impressing.
23. Grudges are poison. The only antidote is to let them go.
24. If you’re in a conversation and you’re not asking questions, then it’s not a conversation, it’s a monologue.
25. In everyday life, most “talent” is simply hard work in disguise.
26. Great parents can have rotten kids and rotten parents can have great kids. But though biology plays a huge role in destiny, that’s no excuse to give up or stop trying.
27. Four things that most people think are lame but really are a lot of fun: barn dancing, charades, volleyball and sing-alongs.
28. Two cheap, easy self-improvement projects: Develop a strong handshake and start smiling when you answer the phone.
29. When something that costs less than $200 breaks and it’s not under warranty and you can’t fix it yourself in half an hour, it’s almost certainly more cost-effective to throw it out.
30. Most folk remedies are nonsense, but zinc really does zap colds.
31. Physical attraction is nice, but shared values and a shared sense of humor are the real keys to lasting love.
32. To keep dental visits regular, schedule your next appointment on your way out from your last appointment.
33. The 10-minute jump start is the best way to get going on a big task you’ve been avoiding. Set a timer and begin, promising yourself that you’ll quit after 10 minutes and do something else. The momentum will carry you forward.
34. Laundry day is much easier when all your socks are the same and you don’t have to sort them.
35. Candor is overrated. It’s hard to unsay what you’ve said in anger and almost impossible to take back what you’ve written.
36. Goals that you keep to yourself are just castles on the beach. If you’re determined to achieve something, tell people about it and ask them to help you stick with it.
37. Mental illness is as real as diabetes, arthritis or any other disease, and no more disgraceful. It’s the stigma that’s disgraceful.
38. In crisis or conflict, always think and act strategically. Take time to figure out what the “winning” outcome is for you, then work toward it.
39. All the stuff you have lying around that you’ll never want, need, wear or look at again? It just makes it harder to find what you do want, need or intend to wear. File it, donate it or throw it out.
40. Exercise does not take time. Exercise creates time.
41. Almost no one stretches, flosses or gives compliments often enough.
42. It pays to keep handy a list that includes a trusted plumber, electrician, locksmith, appliance repair specialist and heating contractor. When you really need one is no time to start looking.
43. The store-brand jelly, cereal, paper goods, baking supplies and pharmacy products are good enough.
44. When you mess up, ‘fess up. It’s the fastest way, if there is one, to forgiveness.
45. When you’re not the worst-dressed person at a social event, you have nothing to worry about.
46. Be truthful or be quiet. Lies are hard to keep track of.
47. Your education isn’t complete until you’ve learned to take a hint.
48. There’s a good reason to be secretive about your age. People tend to assume things when they know how old you are. “Oh, he’s turning 50,” they might say, for example, “probably full of cranky self-lacerating aphorisms that he thinks qualify as wisdom.”
49. Whatever your passion, pursue it as though your days were numbered. They are.
50. Readers love lists. You got to the bottom of this one, didn’t you?
READER COMMENTS FROM 2008
Interesting list. I’ve always carried a list of truisms like this in my head as well, though I don’t think I’m quite up to 50. I did have a question about #35. (Yes, instead of commenting on the 49 I liked and/or agreed with, I’m going to zero in on the one that I objected to. I’m sure there’s a special place in hell for the likes of me, but I’m also sure I won’t be alone…)
“35. Candor is overrated. It’s hard to unsay what you’ve said in anger and almost impossible to take back what you’ve written.”
This reads like candor is a bad thing. If so, then I respectfully disagree, but I’d like to hear more about what you’re really trying to say here. Are you implying that candor only occurs out of anger?
I’d offer up that especially in today’s environment, candor is a refreshing change of pace. Sure sometimes it might sting for a moment or two if you’re on the receiving end of some candid comments, but after reflecting a bit, aren’t you usually glad you heard it straight instead of all garbled up and/or covered with insincere flattery or extraneous phrases?
ZORN REPLY — It might be that the three-word lead-in to this doesn’t reflect the best choice of words. In an earlier draft I had “Expressing your feelings is overrated,” or something like that, the general idea being, as the next sentence outlines, that just because you feel something strongly doesn’t mean you should express it. It may be refreshing to hear someone vent or shoot from the hip, but that person is often called to account and made to suffer for it later. Someone once said something more elegant along these same lines to the effect of “I’ve often regretted my words, never my silence.”
Though I don’t think THAT’S necessarily always apt either. At times I have regretted my silence — failing to speak up for people or on topics out of excessive caution.
Posted by: Jess Wundrin | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 01:53 AM
You got me. Well done!
Posted by: Tom | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 01:55 AM
That’s it?!
You haven’t learned how to break the Democratic machine in Cook County? What about Pakistani politics?
Happy Birthday.
Posted by: Ed | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 03:35 AM
I have one issue with 43… breakfast cereal is no place to skimp, who wants to start everyday with a not so tasty reminder of how cheap you are.
Posted by: Devin | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 04:33 AM
#51: Always behave in public as though your kids were watching you. They are.
#52: Find the time to volunteer, whether it’s to coach a youth sports team, help with a during and after school program, or for your local church. You’ll be amazed and energized by how much you actually know and how much they actually need you.
Posted by: Dan Wasser | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 07:41 AM
Eric —
Well done. But you’ve left very little to argue with. Happy birthday, You’ve earned your “truths.”
Posted by: Kevin Lyons | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 07:47 AM
I would like to add #51…
Making your bed in the morning is NOT a waste of time!
Love the list, thank you!
Posted by: Betsy | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 07:48 AM
I agree with most of these. As for the few I don’t agree with, I think I’ll refrain from complaining about them.
Posted by: Cara | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 07:53 AM
You’re gonna be 50!?
That’s crazy – the web photos of yourself (while varying to the extreme in terms of hairstyle) seem to show a younger Zorn.
Maybe since both of my parents are now more than 50, anyone who looks younger just seems even younger.
But anywho, readers do love lists. It seems like that one took a really long time to come up with – unless you just keep a list of things you have learned throughout life and keep compiling to it (one per year) for that one day where you don’t feel like doing a real column (haha).
HB EZ
ZORN REPLY– The above photo was taken in November, 2007.
Posted by: EK | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:05 AM
Any politician that claims to be a reformer & good government type is a crook! This has been proven over & over.
Any politician that says he or she will be better for a particular group, race or religion because he/she is one of them is probably going to screw that group, race, or religion worse than his/her opponent ever would or could have!
There have been only two honest politicians elected in the history of Illinois.
Paul Douglas & Paul Simon.
Abraham Lincoln, when a Congressman filed fraudulent, inflated travel expenses to get extra money for his trips between Washington & Springfield.
Any prosecutor that goes after an adult for their private, consensual, sexual behavior with another adult has their own far worse sexual secret that’s being hidden from the public.
Will Rogers said “I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat”.
Still true today.
Most things said or written by Rogers or Mark Twain are still funny today. How many comedians of today will have that said of them?
Even more sad is that they’re also still true!
If TV news tells you there is a huge storm coming, don’t believe it. Their consultants have told them that this gives them higher ratings. So far this winter they’ve been wrong on three of five panic watches, I mean storm watches.
Newspapers make lots of mistakes that are never corrected.
As the man said: “If your mother says she loves you, check it out!”
Never use Wikipedia as the final authority on anything. It’s a good, quick reference, but there’s no way to guarantee its accuracy.
There are no shortcuts anymore in the city! PERIOD!
Stop cutting through on neighborhood side streets in an ultimately futile attempt to save time.
The only reason that judges don’t want cameras in the courtroom is that the public will get to see what a wretched, lazy bunch they are!
Jury duty is a joke!
Do they actually think they are getting a cross section of the public at $17.50 a day?
Election judges get at least $125 a day!
As said in Chicago decades ago: “Who would be foolish enough to put their fate into the hands of 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty?”
This of course, does not apply in California if you’re a celebrity!
As I read others comments & additions I’m sure I’ll think of more things.
Posted by: Garry | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:07 AM
your slow. it only took me half that much time to learn these things. must be a generation thing.
ZORN REPLY — I didn’t say it took me 50 years to learn them, I”m saying I’m taking this opportunity to write `em down.
Posted by: gene | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:12 AM
Eric:
I loved your list and realize why I enjoy your column so much…we’re on the same page! And, I just turned 50 also. It was painless! Happy Birthday and keep writing!
Best,
Marla Levie Craven
Posted by: Marla Levie Craven | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:17 AM
You forgot, “Wear sunscreen.”
ZORN REPLY — That’s trademarked
Posted by: Kurt Schmichvonnegut | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:17 AM
I have not been a big Zorn fan over the years, but I will be quoting from you on this excellent column in the future. Thank you.
Posted by: Jill | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:27 AM
51. If you are a columnist, never do gratuitous character assassination based on thin information.
35. “The swiftest horse cannot overtake a wrong word spoken.”
52. Newspapers are dying.
ZORN REPLY — Why is 51 limited to columnists?
Newspapers are changing. The best ones will adapt to the new environment. But all of us, not just employees of newspapers, better hope like hell that they’re NOT dying.
Posted by: Neil Elliott | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:33 AM
Just a few of my own personal 50:
“In order to form a more perfect union” is a mission statement, not an historical artifact.
Man made god in man’s image and likeness, not the other way around.
Hunting will only become a “sport” when the animals have guns, too.
“Le Marseillaise” is hands down the greatest national anthem.
The world would be a better place if Golden Retrievers lived to be 65 and macaws only 12.
If “stupid is as stupid does”, then most people are really stupid.
Don’t mess with bears
Posted by: Azdak | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:35 AM
EZ,
I would replace “Candor” with “Venting”. Venting is way overrated. For the reasons you point out, AND because in most cases it just works you up more. It also puts you in a position to defend whatever (usually unsolicited) “truth” that you’ve dispensed, in the name of this candor/venting/expressing your feelings. That’s when one little thing you say turns into an argument, where now you say about 12 other things you’ll later wish you could take back. All in the name of expressing yourself or improving your relationships.
If you crave the catharsis of expressing all of your thoughts, the alleged clear conscience or validation you seek may come at a heavy price for you and others. I’ve often found that instead of a clear conscience, many times I end up with a fractured relationship and new amends to make, which just makes my conscience all the more “cloudy”. I guess it goes back to two things Mom said all those years ago – “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”, and “Unsolicited advice is called criticism”.
Here’s one more I like: “People skills” without integrity is just manipulation.
Posted by: HL | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:42 AM
I would add:
The shortest distance between two points is a known path.
Happy birthday!
Posted by: MB | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:42 AM
Nicely done, Eric. Happy Birthday from an original FOOL now far away.
A few additions of my own:
People who say they “wouldn’t change a thing” about how they lived their lives are either lying or lived in a dangerously dull manner.
Three things that are universal that no one will admit, until you do it first: We all have family members with mental illness; everyone’s dog behaves worse than they’d like you to admit; and no one’s young child sleeps as well as the “experts” convince you they should.
The changing of the seasons is overrated; there’s a reason why everyone moves west and south.
A cold beer on a warm day at the ballpark is as good as it gets. And that’s pretty damn good.
Posted by: Trent | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:42 AM
ez- all hail #22 ! Just don’t let advertisers who make your saturday editions look like a 3lb burrito get wind of such common sense. oh…good luck at 50. beware…! the aarp will begin stuffing your mailbox by midwinter with such frequency you’d think they had access to some fed/gov. data bank with all your info in it. gee……ya’ think?
barry keefe
Posted by: barry keefe | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:47 AM
I also have a problem with #43 only it’s with the store brand paper goods. While I do use the store brand paper towels, I have learned no to buy the cheaper TP and tissues for 2 reasons. One, you actually use more of cheaper variety and two, your nose and tush can tell the difference. Especially if you have to use lots because you have a cold.
As for Betsy’s #51, it is a waste of time to make your bed in the AM.
Posted by: pjb | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:53 AM
Eric, Great column. Meat and potatoes, old school observations. Well done.
Posted by: Jonathan Freeburg | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:59 AM
Well done! I’d like to modify one, though:
9. Cough syrup doesn’t work unless taken far in excess of the recommended dosage.
Posted by: JimW | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 08:59 AM
A reason Not to make your bed:
http://www.shortnews.com/start.cfm?id=45679
Posted by: pjb | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:00 AM
Great list Eric! I turned 50 on New Year’s Eve – one thing I’d like to add if I may: Cynicism is cowardly.
My opinion of course.
Smiles
Posted by: JoAnne | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:00 AM
Great column. Twenty more things I’ve learned in 70 years:
51. You can do anything for your kids except live their lives for them.
52. It’s a scientifically proven fact that it’s impossible to eat a hot dog at the ballpark without getting mustard on your shirt, and that an elevator always moves slower when you’re late for an appointment.
53. No matter how hard you try or how much time you put in trying to grow grass, your neighbor will have a better lawn.
54. If you aren’t fired with enthusisam, you’ll be fired with enthusiasm. (stolen from Vince Lombardi)
55. Always shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land on the mezzanine.
56. Never let a day go by without telling someone “I love you.”
57. One of the great unsolved mysteries of life is why there are more horse’s asses in the world than horses.
58. Dietary rule #1: Chocolate always loves you back.
59. Dietary rule #2: You can’t get a bad meal in San Francisco or New Orleans.
60. Any country that begins with an “I” is worth visiting, e.g., Ireland, Italy, Iceland, Israel, Ivory Coast, India, Indonesia.
61: Exception to rule #60: Iran and Iraq.
62. Be nice to people on the way up because you’ll meet the same people on the way down.
63. Perserverance beats talent any day.
64. Dogs give unconditional love. Cats allow you to live with them.
65. Baseball is an impossible game. They give you a round ball and a round bat and tell you to hit it square.
66. Scrabble is not a game. It’s a disease.
67. Try to learn something new everyday, whether it’s a word or a new theory of the universe.
68. Never pay more than $100 for a watch.
69. Give generously to good causes, but never to a telephone solicitation.
70. It’s O.K. to lie about your age after 70.
Posted by: al eisele | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:04 AM
Happy Birthday! Many happy returns of the day!
Posted by: Bill | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:05 AM
#45a. In any situation, when unsure, it’s better to be overdressed than underdressed.
#51. Before clicking Send, proofread that email one more time.
Posted by: Jim Pawlak | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:07 AM
Wonderful list. My #51 is…
“There’s someone for everyone”.
No matter how peculiar, unattractive, overweight, or toothless you may be, there’s someone out there who’ll embrace (or tolerate) those qualities. It never ceases to amaze me how many “desireable” people remain single and sad, while the streets are filled with the “aesthetically-challenged” walking hand-in-hand in love.
Posted by: Glen Burress | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:14 AM
My favorite of all time – and I remind myself daily when I struggle with someone else’s opinion – “your mind is like a parachute; it only works when it’s open.”
Posted by: CHIgirl | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:14 AM
Congratulations on hitting the Big 5-0, Eric! Consider yourself “reduated” as an honorary member of the International Red Hat Society. (You’ve flunked the physical for true membership, but once your wife reaches this goal we’d love to have her aboard!)
“Greet Middle Age with Fun, Friendship and Going for the Gusto!”
www.redhatsociety.com
Posted by: Red Hot Red Hatter | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:31 AM
Great list! It’s like having Polonius right there on page one of the Metro section.
Posted by: John | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:31 AM
AWESOME! Each is a nugget of truth. I especially appreciate the Golden Rule one. So true, so easy, but so often missing in daily life.
And Dan Wasser’s are solid too.
Posted by: Kip | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:31 AM
Happy birthday! Welcome to the other side. Don’t delay scheduling your colonoscopy.
And thank you for number 37.
Posted by: mizcmc | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:31 AM
Doesn’t 45 contradict 22. Also, volleyball is only lame for those who suck at it.
Posted by: Dean | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:38 AM
On #36. Be sure that you tell those who WILL support you. Otherwise sharing your gold will bring a negative energy to your intention. Only share with those you can trust.
I love your list . I intend to share it with others too. Thank you for creating it.
Posted by: B. J. Gorman | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:41 AM
Happy Birthday, Eric, from a fellow barn dancer/musician. I have already seen my own 50th come and go a few years ago, and am just now starting to learn the truisms in your list for myself. There is still time for me to “grow up” it seems. (thank God for that small favor!) Keep on pluckin’ those mando strings and calling great dances (and, oh, write a groovy column now and then!).
Posted by: Susan | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:43 AM
Love the list. Don’t agree with every one of them, and there’s one in particular I must state is wrong from firsthand experience: I woke up this morning with a congested chest, used cough syrup (“Tussin DM”), and I’m no longer coughing. It works!
Put an asterisk on #9 up there.
Posted by: Rob | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:45 AM
Ah, yes. Number 50 made me laugh out loud.
Of course many people here (me included) will post in order to parse the merits of one or two items. But that’s part of the fun of lists, right? If we didn’t discuss and debate them (hopefully in a friendly manner), we wouldn’t enjoy reading (or writing) them so much.
So … Regarding #s 4 & 14: Interesting “get a life” rule. I’ve never thought about it much, but I don’t dispute it. I wonder if we can’t extend that to accusations of “political correctness”: In any argument, the first person to invoke it loses the argument.
I am often suspicious of generalizations, yet I can’t recall the last time I’ve come across the type of situation that “PC” was originally supposed to decribe — when some overzealous (typically left-wing) numbskull resorts to heavy-handed rules or censorship to stifle opposing points of view. Typically, as you note, people throw the “PC” label around to belittle other’s beliefs; it’s a rhetorical weapon often used by bigots who want to stifle others’ speech while advancing their own. I don’t personally know any liberals (though I’m sure some are out there) who truly believe that their fellow Americans should not be allowed to say certain words (the “n” word for African-Americans, the “c” word for women, the “f” word for gay men, etc.), just that polite people don’t use those words. And it says something significant about your attitudes if you do.
As for store-brand goods: I’d take it on an ad-hoc basis. The generic drugs are typically just the same as the name brands; you’re simply not bankrolling the advertising budget of some other big company. I’m a bit more cautious about my groceries though. One thing I’ve learned in my less-than-50 years is that, yes, “we are what we eat.” Store-brand jelly, like many name brands, is overloaded with sugar and, often, preservatives. I look for preserves in which fruit’s the main ingredient, and then perhaps sweetened with fruit juice. Also, breakfast cereals are not all alike: Some are made with much healthier ingredients. It costs more (sometimes way too much more), but organic ingredients help me live healthier and, at the same time, help the planet live healthier. It’s worth my money to support organic farmers who are helping to reduce the amount of pesticides, hormones and/or antibiotics that are pumped into crops and animals.
Great list, Eric. Happy Birthweek!
ZORN REPLY — Thanks. My parents, who are very enlightenened politically in my view, have a gloomier view of “political correctness” that I do having witnessed first hand the ways it has indeed crushed legitimate speech and dissent at the University of Michigan. So I’d hesitate to make a blanket statement about ALL complaints about PC. Though I think the term is used too often in just the way you describe.
Posted by: Web Behrens | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:56 AM
That is a great list, but I would like to add one. Always give yourself a “cushion”, to minimize the impact when things do not go as planned. If you think you need 20 minutes to get somewhere, leave 30 minutes before you need to be there. If the recipe says that it serves 6, it probably serves 4. If you always leave cushions for yourself, your life will be much easier. Happy Birthday and many more!
Posted by: Debra | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 09:59 AM
Great List!!
#51 – be thankful for at least 1 thing everyday.
Have a wonderful 50th!!
Posted by: Christie B. | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 10:02 AM
Eric — First of all, Happy Birthday!
Thanks for your list, especially #37: “Mental illness is as real as diabetes, and no more disgraceful. It’s the stigma that’s disgraceful.”
My oldest daughter, who long ago shared apple juice with your Alex, lives with bipolar disorder. This is a biological condition, not a character flaw. It’s also a lifelong burden, and one I wish I could lift. Stigma makes this burden so much greater.
It seems that we read about mental illness primarily in the context of a tragedy–a suicide, a confrontation with police or a terrible event like the Virginia Tech killings. The fact is, most of the suffering caused by mental illness is borne by those who live with it every day, or who love someone with mental illness.
My daughter gets up out of bed every day and goes to school or work. She is a part-time college student (earning A’s) and works part-time at our library. She hopes to attend college full-time next fall and live in a dorm, an entirely reasonable aspiration for a bright 18-year-old. Most of all, she wants to be defined by her gifts and her character, not by her illness.
People with mental illness are our neighbors, our colleagues, our friends and our children. What they need most is accessible treatment (Congress, are you listening?) and the the sentiments you have expressed–acceptance, compassion and empathy. Thanks for including this vital issue in your thoughtful list.
Best wishes to you and your family in the New Year!
Jean
ZORN REPLY — Jean, it’s been so many years! I caught up with your life in broad strokes when we had dinner with our mutual friend and mutual former colleague Marianne when she and her kids visited last summer. Anyway, I didn’t hear about your daughter in that conversation, but it’s a story that resonates. Few families are untouched by variations on this, yet we have a hard time talking about it. A first step is being more matter of fact.
Best to all of you.
Posted by: Jean Davidson | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 10:10 AM
Great List – even at 70, I added to my short list.
Incidentally, here’s my short list.
Pair-O-Shoes theory.
Left shoe… If you don’t like what you put in your shoes in the morning, nothing else will work for you.
Right shoe… you MUST live where your shoes are… not where you wish them to be.
Singin’ in the rain theory
2 guys in a muddy field – pouring cats and dogs – no umbrella – dressed in new suits, shoes & fedoras. Guy 1 – Moaning, groaning and griping about the ruination of new clothes, how could G_d?, etc. Guy 2 – Gene Kelly….(need I say more?)
Words of wisdom from a tough “old man” to his rebellious kids… “If you think that your wings are strong enough, just step off the branch”.
Advice… learn to lie a little, especially to your friends… they already know a lot of people who will tell them the truth about their failings.
Posted by: Marmon Pine | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 10:21 AM
Zorn must have matured early. Number 48 has been true since he was 25.
51: Take the time to do things with families and friends – the memories will fill your heart for years.
52: The barriers we create in our minds are the greatest barriers most of us ever face.
53: Take political advice from columnist at your mortal peril
ZORN REPLY — What a horrible thing to say about Neil Steinberg! I said no snark.
Posted by: LittleBoss | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 10:28 AM
In 50 years Eric Zorn should have learned a lesson from Solomon: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” Proverbs 9:10
Richard Blauw
ZORN REPLY — In all seriousness, I don’t think fear is compatible with moral thought. If you don’t do something because you’re afraid of the consequences, that’s not morality, that’s just obedience.
To pull God out of the equation, if you don’t cheat on your spouse only because you’re afraid of the consequences if you get caught, that’s not love, that’s not a moral impulse; it’s just thwarted opportunism that demands recalibration every time you’re in a distant city on a business trip and in the company of an attractive stranger. But if you don’t cheat on your spouse because you feel an abiding commitment to your bonds and pledges of loyalty etc. etc., then that IS a moral act.
Posted by: Richard Blauw | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 10:29 AM
“If you’re working for someone else, you’re not overpaid.”
Great list. Happy Birthday.
Posted by: todd | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 10:33 AM
Sorry to contradict Betsy, but making the bed in the morning IS a waste of time if no one is coming over. My husband, however, thinks like Betsy, and now I make the bed every morning even when he isn’t home. (He usually makes it when he is home.) Hanging coats in the closet vs. over the back of the chair is also a waste of time if you are just going to put the same coat on the next day.
Apparently there are two types of people, Betsy and my husband being one, and me being the other. I just want to point out that her contribution is not as generalizable as most of Eric Zorn’s. It’s more a matter of individual preference.
Posted by: dn1021 | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 10:42 AM
Mr. Zorn, Regarding #38, is a WASP ethic, and if you asked a Catholic, they would give you the hero ethic. Hero ethics caution people to think beyond themselves for the good of the community. Self-sacrifice, even martyrdom, are heroic if they are done with disregard for monetary, publicity, or sexual rewards. Of course the Catholic ethic or hero ethic is taught but practiced sparsely throughout history even by Catholics. However, how many police, firemen, and military are Catholic by percentage?
ZORN REPLY — Not to speak in too many riddles, but “winnning” can be whatever outcome you consider “winning,” and it doesn’t have to be selfish. It might be a benefit to the community at the expense of self. —–
38. In crisis or conflict, always think and act strategically. Take time to figure out what the “winning” outcome is for you, then work toward it.
—–
This is a counterbalance to the impulse school of crisis management that says “I must express my anger” or “I must put the other person in his place” or “I must make my own feelings known loud and clear!” This is short term thinking.
Posted by: camille | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 10:47 AM
Happy birthday, Professor.
Been reading your stuff for most of my adult life, but it was shocking for me this morning to see you’re turning 50. I’ve always envisioned you being about 35, even though I’ve been reading your stuff since the early 90’s and I’m now 37, as though I’m the only one aging.
Thank you thank you thank you for #5…just last night, the VP of Sales at my company issued a cutesy but fiery polemic about e-mail being the biggest threat to productivity because he had too many in his inbox. I’m considering anonymously forwarding him this list.
In re: #35, I agree with you, don’t back off your wording. But the important part of the phrase is the third word. Candor isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it’s just overrated. Kobe Bryant is overrated, but I still want him on the Bulls because he’s still extremely talented, it’s just that he’s not as good as some have advertised.
Two commenters I disagree with slightly…making your bed is a waste of time unless you expect someone different to be in it that night. And volleyball is only lame for people who take it too seriously, not people who suck at it.
Posted by: Don | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 10:49 AM
I am not sure what #40 means. I take a vigorous 30 minute walk everyday on command from my doctor. I have no sense that I am creating time. I feel that I have had 30 minutes taken from my time. I walk with my IPod music, but that does not help.
As far as some life truisms, here’s a few.
70 Ideological fervor invariably sinks most politcal and social arguments.
71. Arrogance is too often accompanied by incompetence.
72. The habit of reading at least one newspaper everyday is a great way to start the morning and become an informed citizen.
73. Warm fruit pies never taste as good as chilled ones.
74. The most insightful course anyone can take in college is anthropology, with its concept of culture (with the attendent concept that society creates its gods and religion).
75. One should never stop educating oneself, and the best way to do that is to read the best college-at-home resource, the NYRB.
76. Never watch a comedy show with a laugh track.
77. Be pleasant to your neighbors, and keep your grass, bushes, and trees trimmed.
78. Keep your conflicts at a level so that you do not burn your bridges.
79. You are not always right, the family is not always right, and your country is not always right.
80. The mark of advancing civilization is increasing cosmopolitanism and decreasing tribalism.
ZORN REPLY — What I meant by 40. “Exercise does not take time. Exercise creates time” is that the half hour you put into that exercise is repaid by added vigor and perhaps added days, weeks, months and years of life. When you exercise you’re less sluggish, more focused, so that you can get done in 2 hours what it used to take you 2:30 to do.
I never took anthro, alas. I found introductory political science very valuable and my overall advice to liberal arts majors is to take courses from the best teachers, even if the subject doesn’t seem to interest you at first.
Posted by: Robert Pruter | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 10:51 AM
# 51 When you have two strikes against you, choke up on the bat.
Posted by: Dale | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 10:54 AM
I’d like to add my #51: Embrace your circumstances. The key to happiness isn’t having what you want, but wanting what you have.
Posted by: mizcmc | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 10:56 AM
One thing I learned many years ago when I was single: Women are more attracted to bad guys than to good guys.
Posted by: Don Heideger | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:02 AM
Few more:
– Always talk to strangers. Even your best friend was a stranger at one point.
– Get a hammock. You’ll never regret it.
– God rested on Sunday so we could sit around the house in pajamas with the paper and a pot of coffee.
Posted by: Lauren | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:20 AM
As to Jess Wundrin’s comment regarding #35, candor, and I don’t mean to be critical or demean an opinion, I think the partner to candor should be tact. I also believe #15, lucky to have someone tell you when you’re wrong, kind of buffers #35. My #51: Any list that causes people to think and respond has something good going for it. #52 Regarding age, it’s probably not fair to judge people by something they have no control over. (I passed 50 more than a decade ago.) Thanks for the list.
Posted by: Ray Hardtke | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:23 AM
Add to your list “Do what is hard. In the long run it will be easier.”
Also read Sheldon B. Kopp’s Laundry List in “If you Meet the Buddha on the Road Kill Him”.
Posted by: Morris Seeskin | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:32 AM
Great list Eric, and happy birthday. One more to add:
51. Never go cheap on your bed or your shoes. You will be in one or the other your entire life.
Posted by: Tom Wilk | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:34 AM
Eric – A great list. But # 46 makes me pause at # 48. Then again, being secretive is not the same as lying, right? Happy birthday. Too bad you don’t work for that other newspaper, my regular read. But it’s good to catch you on line.
Posted by: Ron | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:34 AM
I heartily agree with almost everything on here. But, I’ve done barn dances, singalongs and charades, and don’t find them fun. Sorry. But, I’m sure that’s a character flaw of mine.
I like volleyball, though.
Posted by: Ray | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:37 AM
Notes regarding points #47 and #48
Eric uses the phrase quaint “turned 50” which really means he ‘completed 50’. By this age, of course, we would like to forget that we celebrate our birthdays after that year has finished.
Happy Birthday Eric !
Posted by: Al | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:43 AM
I regularly come across situations that call for remembering that:
“Everybody makes mistakes. The measure of character is how you make things right.”
Posted by: Jim | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:45 AM
Celebrate all the little victories in your life. The big ones are few and far between.
Posted by: Velva Lee Heraty | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:46 AM
I’m not fifty. I’m 18 with 32 years of experience!http://www.carlostmock.com
Posted by: Carlos T Mock | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:49 AM
Ron, It depends on the secret and who you’re keeping it from.
VLHeraty
Posted by: Velva Lee Heraty | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:51 AM
Robert – #40 means that if you take the time out of each day to exercise, you are adding time to your life.
I love this list – I am sharing it now. Just think – you saved me from having to put this in my own form.
I also love Eisele’s #51 – as the parent of a 17 year old – I am learning it slowly and surely.
Only one I would like to add — always be grateful for where you are in life – there is always someone who would be willing to trade places with you if they could.
Happy birthday EZ! It truly is a blessing to make it to 50 – some have/will never see it!
Posted by: Angelic | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:55 AM
A handful more “truisms” to consider:
•Being content is not the same as being complacent.
•Manufacturer’s instructions are often helpful when read and followed.
•It’s “you’re welcome”, not “no problem”.
•Manners count. Use them.
•A place for everything and everything (mostly) in it’s place really does help to keep your organized.
Posted by: Martin Jacobs | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:57 AM
Happy Birthday! I love the list. Regarding Richard’s comment on “the fear of the Lord” in that context it doesn’t mean to be afraid but awe and reverence and then it fits your definition.
Posted by: Debbie | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 11:59 AM
Happy 48th. You’ve gained 2 years.
#’s 5. and 17. cancel each other out.
how what/ what how = 0
ZORN REPLY — ?
5. The medium is not the message. Those who issue blanket condemnations of any form of communication—be it TV, tabloids, text messages or blogs—simply aren’t paying attention.
17. Don’t waste your breath proclaiming what’s really important to you. How you spend your time says it all.
Posted by: hen/egg | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 12:05 PM
Eric… Happy Birthday.
51. Its good to be as smart as possible…but sometimes it’s just better to be lucky.
52. Keep your eye on the ball.
Posted by: Eric H. | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 12:16 PM
Don Heideger says “One thing I learned many years ago when I was single: Women are more attracted to bad guys than to good guys.”
One thing I learned many years ago when I was single: Women aren’t all the same and men aren’t all the same.
Posted by: dn1021 | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 12:30 PM
I enjoyed your list, Eric, with one nit to pick.
“Empathy is the greatest virtue. From it all virtues flow.”
As a conservative I believe it’s courage. “The one virtue that makes all other virtues possible.”
ZORN REPLY — I disagree, as I disagree with the reflexive habit we have of referring to terrorists and predatory criminals as “cowards.” I think those men who hijacked those airplanes and flew them into buildings were brave by fair defeinition of bravery, while at the same time utterly wicked and devoid of virtue by any fair definitions of wickedness and virtue.
The only way you can get to a virtuous definition of courage is to add the idea of virtue to it, as in, courage is bravery shown in attempting to advance the cause of right. Which is somewhat circular, if you ask me.
Posted by: John Knoerle | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 12:39 PM
51. Don’t waste your time with people who treat you badly.
Posted by: DL | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 12:44 PM
6. The most valuable thing to have is a good reputation, and it’s neither hard nor expensive to acquire one: Be fair. Be honest. Be trustworthy. Be generous. Respect others.
I agree with the first sentence. It may not be hard or expensive to acquire one, but it’s work to keep it each day and only takes one mistake to lose it.
ZORN REPLY — That’s an excellent addition, thanks. I don’t think it’s that much “work” to keep it each day, but yes, it’s awful easy to lose it.
Posted by: Treva | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 12:45 PM
Never celebrate on the ten-yard line.
Posted by: Leon Lett | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 12:46 PM
My number one thing I’ve learned in my life is to treat everyone the way I want THEM to treat my mother.
Happy Birthday and many more to you
Posted by: Jennifer | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 12:59 PM
While driving, if you drop something on the floor of the car that needs to be picked up, all the traffic lights will be green.
Posted by: A Groan Man | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 01:02 PM
Great list! One to add:
You cannot control people. The more control you try to have over a human being, the less you’ll end up having.
Posted by: Neil | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 01:04 PM
#51: It is not good to have it bad, but it is worse to have it good and not know it.
Posted by: A reader | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 01:05 PM
Nice List but Barn Dancing?
#51
What we do in dreams we also do when we are awake: we invent and fabricate the person with whom we associate – and immediately forget we have done so.
Posted by: Action Jackson | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 01:05 PM
Great list, and I also applaud Eisele’s. One more to add:
51. Treat yourself well; take care of you, and once in a while, splurge because you deserve it. A life of indulgence is not wise, but an occasional indulgence enriches the soul.
Posted by: Silvia L. | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 01:23 PM
My mom told me this 40 years ago… people do not change as they get older; they just become more of what they already were. I’ve been paying attention to those words all this time and have not found fault with them. And when I look at her it makes me smile.
She also told me we are not responsible for our spouse’s behavior, good or not.
Happy Birthday.
Posted by: kris | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 01:26 PM
Hi Eric,
Happy Birthday from your slightly older cousin. Great list, I think I will send it to my five kids and my mom. I know mom will enjoy it.
I’ve always liked this line we’ve all heard a million and one times but I think is worth repeating and using in life’s list.
You get only one chance to make a ‘good— first’ impression.
Enjoy your new age, it isn’t bad turning 50 but it seems like time is really flying.
Take care, Seema Imam
ZORN REPLY — Thanks, cuz!
Posted by: Seema Imam | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 01:57 PM
Number 30 “Most folk remedies are nonsense, but zinc really does zap colds.” looks like it was paid for by the pharma industry. I’d say “Prevention is really much better than a cure. Maintain a multitude of factors going to keep or recapture your health, with sleep, moderate exercise and a healthy diet as a thread running through.”
ZORN REPLY — I endorse no brand of zinc, but really…zinc gluconate lozenges actually do reduce the severity and shorten the duration of colds…I’ve found this to be true for more than 20 years.
Posted by: Anders | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 02:04 PM
I have found the following to be good advice for relationships, parenting, employment, and almost everything else: “Pick your battles.”
Posted by: slj | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 02:13 PM
Re: Item 24
If you’re just asking questions and not answering them it isn’t a conversation. It’s an interview.
Posted by: Alfred | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 02:26 PM
Nice list.
Would like to add a couple.
51#. Never put BBQ sauce on meat that is on the grill too early, it burns.
#52. All women turn out like their mothers. They will look like them and act like them.
Posted by: Bryan | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 02:30 PM
Happy Birthday Eric
Posted by: okgo | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 02:30 PM
Nice list.
Would like to add a couple.
51#. Never put BBQ sauce on meat that is on the grill too early, it burns.
#52. All women turn out like their mothers. They will look like them and act like them.
Posted by: Bryan | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 02:30 PM
Eric —
Thanks for the good column. Here’s another one:
“In matters great and small, always keep your word.”
Neal Conley
Posted by: Neal Conley | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 02:31 PM
First Happy Birthday Eric
I usually do not comment on anything in your columns or associated comments, as they seem to reflect the urban nature of your demographic. However, I must respond to AZDAK’s “Hunting will only become a “sport” when the animals have guns, too.”
Remember the man who buys the meat is brother to the butcher. An anti hunting position is consistent for a strict vegetarian; short of that, one is a hypocrite. There is more to nature than one sees at a zoo or forest preserve.
.,
Posted by: GaryL | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 02:41 PM
What – no “Wear Sunscreen?” Mary’s not gonna like this!
Posted by: anon | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 02:42 PM
I enjoyed your list!
I’m still young and learning, but these are things I have learned so far:
– Never underestimate the wisdom of those older than you. It will all make sense when you need it.
– You are always accountable for your actions, whether or not it is to others, but always to yourself.
– Try to say why you are thankful to someone else everynow and then. It is always nice to hear when ever someone says it to you.
– A handwritten letter or a card with a handwritten message is always nice to receive, especially on days that aren’t holidays or birthdays.
– It is never a waste of time to stop and listen. You never know what you may learn.
Happy Birthday! I’ve been reading your columns since I was in High School in the late 90s. You and Mary Schmich are the first things I read in the paper every morning.
Posted by: Louis | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 03:00 PM
Thought of this after reading the comments:
#51 – I have no control over others actions, only control over my own.
Once you get this, the rest is easy.
Posted by: pjb | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 03:07 PM
#1 Cheapest way to see pretty nurses,
get free V-8 juice, and feel like a millionaire
when you are finished…donate blood !!!
Posted by: chorizo | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 03:15 PM
Eric,
God bless you for #37. As the mother of a child with a mental illness, I fight tooth & nail every day to educate people about mental health. He can no more help having the disorder he does than he can help having brown eyes. Brains are organs, just like heart, lings & liver. Do diabetics feel funny about taking insulin? How many men actually brag about their performance on Viagra for goodness sake?! Thank you for ringing in the New Year with an absolute truth…regardless of what Tom Cruise would like us all to think.
Posted by: Christine Walker | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 03:24 PM
See a penny, pick it up. All day long, you’ll have good luck
John P. Dennehy Sr.
Posted by: John P. Dennehy Sr | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 03:30 PM
Anything posted on the internet is there forever. Do not post (or allow to be posted) anything that is going to come back and bite you later in life.
Posted by: Ken | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 03:30 PM
Great list; wise man. #14 was worth the price of the paper. Happy birthday.
Posted by: Ito | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 03:35 PM
LOVE this list.
Posted by: LE | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 03:41 PM
Happy Birthday Eric.
One quote I always remember and have tried to keep in mind is from Eleanor Roosevelt:
“One can’t make you feel inferior without your consent.”
I try to pass it on when I can.
Another thing I’ve learned is the only time someone will actually listen to your opinion or advice is when they specifically ask for it.
Posted by: Mary | Thursday, January 03, 2008 at 03:44 PM
