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Tweet Madness! Help me choose the top tweet of 2021-22

 All the winning tweets from the last 64 weeks of Tweet of the Week polls have been seeded by winning percentage and placed in the playoff bracket.  

I will be updating this post at the tournament progresses.

FIRST ROUND PAIRINGS — WINNERS IN BOLD

Results, 327 votes

Just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods. Her boyfriend would have helped, but he was out of town. — (various sources)  (55%)

Today a guy who carries a gun to church told me I’m living in fear because I wear a mask …@chrismilburnnps  


Standing in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks, “How long have you been waiting?” Some guy yells back, “Four years!” …. @Gloria4Educ  (62%)

Facebook is now “Meta,” which is like a 30-year-old coming out of the basement to tell his mom & stepdad he’ll only answer to his Warcraft screen name … @ozzyunc  


If you refuse the vaccine for religious purposes, when you catch the virus, please go to your church for help instead of your local hospital … @AmishPornStar1 (68%)

We spend $750 billion annually on defense and the center of American government fell in two hours to the Duck Dynasty and a guy in a Chewbacca bikini…@YousefMunayyer


The good thing about having a husband who never listens is being able to say “I already told you that.” Whether you did or not, he’ll never know the difference. …@ddsmidt  (56%)

Bringing a deadly disease to people with little to no immunity is a very authentic Thanksgiving reenactment. …@bazecraze


The only difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump is that Trump woulda charged for the Kool-Aid. — @SundaeDivine  (71%)

My kid asked where babies come from and I said, “ Everywhere, man. They’re worldwide.” … @capnwatsisname


It’s true that you can’t fix stupid but COVID is definitely giving it the old college try … @OhNoSheTwitnt (70%)

The McRib is here for a limited time only. But then again, aren’t we all? … @RickAaron


Well well well. If it isn’t those eight pounds I lost last spring. And I see you brought two friends. — @UnFitz  (61%)

Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages? …@Sanbel11


Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.” … @StillNotCool2  (80%)

No one is writing the wrong year on their checks this January I can tell you that …@rakeshsatyal


The party of open carry wants you to know your mask is making them uncomfortable … @longwall26 (78%)

One good way to let people know you’re important is to honk during a traffic jam. — @SonOfCha


Bill Barr’s book is unique because the hardcover edition will be released without a spine, but will grow one several years later when it’s profitable to do so. — @cpoliticditto  (65%)

An FYI for people who are rude to retail and customer service workers: When you say “I won’t be back,” that’s not a bad thing. … @rsf788


Do you remember, before the internet, it was thought that the cause of collective stupidity was the lack of access to information? Well, it wasn’t that. — @BamaFanGrl (53%)

If Fox News had been around in 1955, we’d still have polio … @HelenKennedy


A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?” The rabbit says, “I dunno, I’m only here because of auto-correct.” — various sources  (62%)

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes … @JohnLyonTweets


How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies? …@BobGolen (51%)

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and Tigger??? ….@mariana057


Conspiracy theories are what happen when people have more imagination than intelligence …@lloydrang

Nothing personal Santa, but after everything that’s happened this year I just can’t take another white guy in a red hat … RickAaron (51%)


Back in our day we’d ride through deserts on horses and never find out their names, but we didn’t take their meds …@calluptome (52%)

I am no longer impressed that Sacha Baron Cohen tricked Rudy Giuliani … @mileskahn


Why is it “if you can’t pay rent, buy fewer lattes” and not “if you can’t pay your employees a living wage, buy fewer yachts”? … @Strandjunker (62%)

Whoever is operating the Jewish Space Laser today: Could you please melt the snow in the driveway at 3486 Maple Circle? Mazel tov …. @RickAaron


Me: What’s wrong? Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child. Me: Everyone does, secretly. Wife: Well it should at least be one of ours …@thedad  (52%)

I laugh thinking about how many insurrectionists might have avoided prison had they been wearing masks … @TimHannan


Sending important customer service emails from a no-reply email address is a great way to let your customers know that your customer service sucks. — @ScottTKennedy (54%)

Most people can be deceived with flattery. Except you. You’re too smart for that …@JaredATullos


When you don’t want to teach kids about slavery but want to preserve confederate monuments, that’s called hypocritical race theory … @OhNoSheTwitnt  (57%)

Remember when lawn darts were banned in 1988 because they were too dangerous? If the manufacturer had thought to make them shoot bullets, they’d still be on the market … @MarkJacob16


Times when you should compare yourself to a Holocaust victim: 1) You are a Holocaust victim. That’s it. That’s the list. – @PalmerReport (73%)

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions. I should probably buy him something soon. …@sixfootcandy


Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982. — @TheBoydP (53%)

One man’s delusional paranoid fantasies are another man’s actual political beliefs … @wildethingy


I agree with Texas being The Lone Star State. 1/5 Stars… @amandajpanda  (55%)

It should be called “Couch Mix” because I’m guessing less than 1% of it is actually eaten on a trail …@RickAaron


Therapist: So, picking up where we left off, you said you feel like a whiny bitch. Patient: I never said that. Therapist: Oops, my notes. … @AmishPornStar1  (75%)

Joe Biden has a coronavirus team…Trump’s team has coronavirus.– (various)


People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well. … @UnFitz (53%)

The War on Christmas cannot end until Christmas stops its illegal occupation of November …@classywarfare


From now on when people ask why I’m not married, I’ll just say it’s a supply chain issue. … @RuthMBuchanan (55%)

Biden is doing his best, okay? You try being almost 80 and running a country full of jackasses– @dumbbeezie


I was born a male. I identify as a male. But according to Kraft Macaroni & Cheese I’m a family of four. –@BobGolen  (59%)

My favorite thing about being a parent is being told I am wrong constantly by someone who depends on me for food, clothing and shelter …@meantomyself


COVID-19 has turned us into dogs. We roam the house constantly looking for food. We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about going for a walk … @The_Duche55 (58%)

“I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink.”* – Matthew 25:35 *Offer not valid in Georgia. …. @AIWashburn


Joe Biden has won in Michigan so many times now he’s legally required to change his name to Ohio State … @ejmaroun

Republicans want corporations to be considered people for the purposes of free speech when speech is narrowly defined as writing checks to Republicans … @GianDoh (51%)


What haunts me is that I am just not smart enough for so many people to be this much stupider than I am. — @KateHarding (66%)

Has Covid-19 forced you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time? You may be entitled to condensation. — various sources


Me: Do you want something to eat? Daughter: What are my choices? Me: Yes or no …@ServiceTech_ (61%)

Parents, make sure your children understand the importance of integrity, so they don’t grow up to be Lindsey Graham … @itsJeffTiedrich


“I want things back to normal and I’m willing to do anything except wear a mask or get vaccinated” has big “I want to get in shape and I’m willing to do anything but diet or exercise” energy … @OhNoSheTwitnt (57%)

I’m at the age where I recognize more songs playing on the grocery store intercom than I do the radio. — @Rollinintheseat

ROUND OF 32, SECOND ROUND PAIRINGS  — WINNERS IN BOLD

Results, 565 votes

  Just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods. Her boyfriend would have helped, but he was out of town. — (various sources)  (57%)

“I want things back to normal and I’m willing to do anything except wear a mask or get vaccinated” has big “I want to get in shape and I’m willing to do anything but diet or exercise” energy … @OhNoSheTwitnt


Back in our day we’d ride through deserts on horses and never find out their names, but we didn’t take their meds — @calluptome 

Why is it “if you can’t pay rent, buy fewer lattes” and not “if you can’t pay your employees a living wage, buy fewer yachts”? … @Strandjunker  (63%)


The party of open carry wants you to know your mask is making them uncomfortable … @longwall26 (67%)

Therapist: So, picking up where we left off, you said you feel like a whiny bitch. Patient: I never said that. Therapist: Oops, my notes. … @AmishPornStar1 


Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.” … @StillNotCool2 

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well. … @UnFitz (51%)


The good thing about having a husband who never listens is being able to say “I already told you that.” Whether you did or not, he’ll never know the difference. …@ddsmidt  (63%)

Republicans want corporations to be considered people for the purposes of free speech when speech is narrowly defined as writing checks to Republicans … @GianDoh  


A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?” The rabbit says, “I dunno, I’m only here because of auto-correct.” — various sources 

When you don’t want to teach kids about slavery but want to preserve confederate monuments, that’s called hypocritical race theory … @OhNoSheTwitnt (55%)


Do you remember, before the internet, it was thought that the cause of collective stupidity was the lack of access to information? Well, it wasn’t that. — @BamaFanGrl  (68%)

Times when you should compare yourself to a Holocaust victim: 1) You are a Holocaust victim. That’s it. That’s the list. – @PalmerReport


The only difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump is that Trump woulda charged for the Kool-Aid. — @SundaeDivine (69%)

COVID-19 has turned us into dogs. We roam the house constantly looking for food. We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about going for a walk … @The_Duche55


Standing in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks, “How long have you been waiting?” Some guy yells back, “Four years!” …. @Gloria4Educ  (53%)

Me: Do you want something to eat? Daughter: What are my choices? Me: Yes or no …@ServiceTech_


Nothing personal Santa, but after everything that’s happened this year I just can’t take another white guy in a red hat … RickAaron 

Me: What’s wrong? Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child. Me: Everyone does, secretly. Wife: Well it should at least be one of ours …@thedad  (64%)


The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has a 0% success rate … @AlexTheProducer  (60%)

I agree with Texas being The Lone Star State. 1/5 Stars… @amandajpanda


Well well well. If it isn’t those eight pounds I lost last spring. And I see you brought two friends. — @UnFitz (63%)

From now on when people ask why I’m not married, I’ll just say it’s a supply chain issue. … @RuthMBuchanan


If you refuse the vaccine for religious purposes, when you catch the virus, please go to your church for help instead of your local hospital … @AmishPornStar1

What haunts me is that I am just not smart enough for so many people to be this much stupider than I am. — @KateHarding  (51%)


How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies? — @BobGolen (61%)

Sending important customer service emails from a no-reply email address is a great way to let your customers know that your customer service sucks. — @ScottTKennedy 


Bill Barr’s book is unique because the hardcover edition will be released without a spine, but will grow one several years later when it’s profitable to do so. — @cpoliticditto  (68%)

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982. — @TheBoydP 


It’s true that you can’t fix stupid but COVID is definitely giving it the old college try … @OhNoSheTwitnt (55%)

I was born a male. I identify as a male. But according to Kraft Macaroni & Cheese I’m a family of four. –@BobGolen


TWEET SIXTEEN, THIRD ROUND PAIRINGS — WINNERS IN BOLD  

results, 800 votes

  Just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods. Her boyfriend would have helped, but he was out of town. — (various sources)  (58%)

Why is it “if you can’t pay rent, buy fewer lattes” and not “if you can’t pay your employees a living wage, buy fewer yachts”? — @Strandjunker


The party of open carry wants you to know your mask is making them uncomfortable … @longwall26 (66%)

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well. … @UnFitz


When you don’t want to teach kids about slavery but want to preserve confederate monuments, that’s called hypocritical race theory … @OhNoSheTwitnt (66%)

The good thing about having a husband who never listens is being able to say “I already told you that.” Whether you did or not, he’ll never know the difference. …@ddsmidt


Do you remember, before the internet, it was thought that the cause of collective stupidity was the lack of access to information? Well, it wasn’t that. — @BamaFanGrl  (68%)

The only difference between Jim Jones and Donald Trump is that Trump woulda charged for the Kool-Aid. — @SundaeDivine


Me: What’s wrong? Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child. Me: Everyone does, secretly. Wife: Well it should at least be one of ours …@thedad (63%)

Standing in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks, “How long have you been waiting?” Some guy yells back, “Four years!” …. @Gloria4Educ


Well well well. If it isn’t those eight pounds I lost last spring. And I see you brought two friends. — @UnFitz (52%)

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has a 0% success rate … @AlexTheProducer


What haunts me is that I am just not smart enough for so many people to be this much stupider than I am. — @KateHarding  (52%)

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies? — @BobGolen


It’s true that you can’t fix stupid but COVID is definitely giving it the old college try … @OhNoSheTwitnt (55%)

Bill Barr’s book is unique because the hardcover edition will be released without a spine, but will grow one several years later when it’s profitable to do so. — @cpoliticditto


ELITE EIGHT, FOURTH ROUND PAIRINGS — WINNERS IN BOLD

Results,  430 votes

Just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods. Her boyfriend would have helped, but he was out of town. — (various sources) 

 The party of open carry wants you to know your mask is making them uncomfortable — @longwall26 (53%)


When you don’t want to teach kids about slavery but want to preserve confederate monuments, that’s called hypocritical race theory–  @OhNoSheTwitnt 

Do you remember, before the internet, it was thought that the cause of collective stupidity was the lack of access to information? Well, it wasn’t that. — @BamaFanGrl  (65%)


Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child.

Me: Everyone does, secretly.

Wife: Well it should at least be one of ours   –@thedad — (53%)  

 Well well well. If it isn’t those eight pounds I lost last spring. And I see you brought two friends. — @UnFitz 


What haunts me is that I am just not smart enough for so many people to be this much stupider than I am. — @KateHarding (54%)

It’s true that you can’t fix stupid, but COVID is definitely giving it the old college try. — @OhNoSheTwitnt


FINAL FOUR — FIFTH ROUND PAIRINGS,

WINNERS IN BOLD

Results, 610 votes

 The party of open carry wants you to know your mask is making them uncomfortable — @longwall26  

 v.

Do you remember, before the internet, it was thought that the cause of collective stupidity was the lack of access to information? Well, it wasn’t that. — @BamaFanGrl   (54%)


Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child.

Me: Everyone does, secretly.

Wife: Well it should at least be one of ours   –@thedad  

 v.

What haunts me is that I am just not smart enough for so many people to be this much stupider than I am. — @KateHarding   (61%)


CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH

515 votes

Do you remember, before the internet, it was thought that the cause of collective stupidity was the lack of access to information? Well, it wasn’t that. — @BamaFanGrl   (formerly misattributed) 

 v.

What haunts me is that I am just not smart enough for so many people to be this much stupider than I am. — @KateHarding   

CHAMPION: