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The top tweets of the year, 2014 through 2023

As a public service, each week I collect and present online a list of the best quips that cross my Twitter feed. Readers then vote up a winner in a click poll.

But despite the legendary discernment my audience, the winner is seldom my personal favorite. So each year I assert curator’s privilege and offer, in no particular order and lightly edited in some cases, the 40 best tweets that showed up in my feed in the past year (it was 30 in 2016).

Why 40? Because that’s how many used to fit in the column space I was allotted at the Tribune (just 30 one year)  and I’m keen to keep traditions alive.

Before we start, here are the the names of those who appeared most often each year in the list of finalists presented to winners:


  1. I’m so old I remember when New Year’s came we sang “Lang Syne.” @GianDoh
  2. If you believe me when I exclaim, “We really should get together soon!” that’s on you. — @nayele18maybe
  3. Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident. Jill: You got it, boss. — @prufrockluvsong
  4. Therapist: Anyways… Me: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway.” Therapist: ANYWAY… we were talking about your difficulty making friends. — various
  5. Religious folk sometimes ask atheists whose name they call out during sex, as if they’ve never even heard of Arthur C. Clarke. — @wildethingy
  6. A lot of people sarcastically call me Einstein. Whoever that is. — @SamSkoronski
  7. Whether you’re heating your apartment or chaining up a hostage, you can’t beat a radiator. — @camerobradford
  8. Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.— @Social_Mime
  9. I asked a dog, “Who’s a good boy??” and he got so excited. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it’s me. I am the good boy. — @TheAndrewNadeau
  10. Sometimes I have to remind myself to get off the internet, go outside and judge people in person. — @Tbone7219
  11. And there I was, at 21, broken that I’d never hear my sister laugh again. I held her limp hand, my eyes playing cruel tricks as I swore I saw her breathe. In that moment, all I could think about was the lava cake we’d bake together. For this recipe, you’ll need a double boiler… — @elle91
  12. In today’s episode of “How strong is your marriage?”we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white. — @daddygofish
  13. “Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.” …. my 5-year-old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots. — @oneawkwardmom
  14. If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy. — @benboven1
  15. Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping.   — @AbbyHasIssues
  16. Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since. — @UncleDuke1969
  17. Not to brag, but I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking: “It’s psychic, you idiot.” — @jtothet
  18. Me: *cocks gun* I SAID DRINK. Horse: OK, OK, just be cool man. — @UncleDuke1969
  19. Just to expound a bit ladies, mansplaining is a portmanteau of man and explaining. — @Shade510
  20. (At grocery store) Hi little green pepper!  I’m taking you home with me! Would you prefer a slow death in the fridge or would you rather go straight into the compost? — @BrickMahoney
  21. My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did). — @MindyFurano
  22. That’s exactly what someone who DID start the fire would say. — @benedictsred
  23. At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together. — @fozzie4prez
  24. Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout. — @Writepop
  25. It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on. — @_CakeBawse
  26. “Watery” is never a positive description, even when you’re describing water. — @AnneHatfieldVO
  27. Most midlife crises are lifelong crises that you finally have time for. — @MooseAllain
  28. Once you hit a certain age, life is just a delicate balance of trying to stay awake and trying to fall asleep while slowly getting worse at both — unknown
  29. In an infinite universe, over an infinite period of time, it’s still unlikely hammer pants will come back into fashion. — @wildethingy
  30. Our friends have canceled our dinner plans three times in a row. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner. — @Tbone7219
  31. 90% of being a parent is pretending to be impressed by things that are really not that impressive. — @itssherifield
  32. Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it. — @thedad
  33. If anyone wants to pop over and help me figure out why my house is so nippy, my door is always open. — @whoelsebutalf
  34. One thing Americans got right is the English language. It literally just makes the most sense. I can’t even understand other languages at all. — @furby_hancock
  35. I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity. — @MumOfTw0
  36. I’m at the age where I see a huge, beautiful mansion in a movie and think, “How much does it cost to heat that house in the winter?” — @RodLacroix
  37. On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system? — @GlennyRodge
  38. Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up. Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.  — various sources
  39. I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s really important that none of you tell him otherwise — @MelvinofYork
  40. Best way to have the “Santa talk” with your kids is to gradually ease into it. First, tell them Santa is very sick. Then the next year, he died. Then when you tell them he was never real, it will come as a relief. — @oldfriend99


  1. “You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot. — @rsf788
  2. If they ever have to identify me from dental records my dentist will be all like, “Oh yeah, I remember that guy. Total disappointment. Lied about flossing. Those are definitely his teeth.” — @WoodyLuvsCoffee
  3. Bittersweet announcement but after an amazing two years as an infectious disease expert I am moving on. I am now an expert in no-fly zones and Eastern European affairs. Excited to make the most of this new opportunity. — @RobbySlowik
  4. My son once asked me to explain the essence of the song “Cats in the Cradle:” to him and I told him, “Not now.” — @chalzamora
  5. I am neither short nor stout. I am a teapot beyond your understanding. —@Benjones2Jones
  6. Try the Keto diet and instantly notice how much lighter you feel without the will to live. — @ForgetTheMoose
  7. Sometimes in the middle of tweeting and retweeting I ask myself, did a jogger just bounce off my windshield? — @topaz_kell
  8. Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982. — @TheBoydP
  9. Executive: I’m just worried the name “Hippos” doesn’t convey how hungry they are. Game Designer: how about “Hungry Hippos”? Executive: Better. but not strong enough. Game Designer: “Hungry Hungry Hungry Hippos”? Executive:: Haha, don’t—let’s not get crazy. But we’re close… We’re very close. — @TheAndrewNadeau
  10. As I breathe a ragged last breath, I manage to whisper, “Why?” My assassin kneels beside me and tapes a penny to my forehead. “It’s been a while, but they didn’t forget. Columbia House says hello.” — @kaichoyce
  11. “It’s fine with me if Mom says OK.” The original two-step verification — @RobertManchild
  12. I spent my time making a home cooked meal and placed it in front of the kids who immediately asked for something different and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world and everyone ate their damn dinner. — @maryfairybobrry
  13. Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength? Me: You tell me. Interviewer: Delegating? Me: That’s right. — @DanMentos
  14. It’s funny how we say “a bug hit my windshield” when we are the ones going 70 miles per hour. I’ll bet the bug’s family describes it differently. — @MelvinofYork
  15. Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My God, I have never known such boredom.” — @BoneChocolates
  16. My Mexican waiter just put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now. Oh, hang on, that’s not my waiter. — @craydrienne
  17. Confession: I frequently say “all things considered” when I’ve only considered a few of the things. — @RickAaron
  18. If Batman were real he’d be the world’s least weird billionaire — @frankieboyle
  19. My power move is saying “Oh, that’s my dog’s name” whenever I’m introduced to someone new. — @LizerReal
  20. All my friends will tell you, I have a great sense of humor and I love edgy, sometimes offensive, comedy. But I will not tolerate offensive humor that is offensive to me. — @IamJackBoot
  21. Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails. — @UnFitz
  22. My friend is addicted to helium. I won’t criticize him, however, as he always speaks highly of me. — @AllanForsyth
  23. If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own. — @CalmTomb
  24. The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done. — @ginnyhogan_
  25. I learned absolutely nothing about crypto and so far it’s been a great investment. — @SvnSxty
  26. Fox News did to our parents what they thought video games would do to us. — @ryan_scott
  27. My grandma often said, living well is the best revenge. It was a great way to throw off suspicion from her actual favorite revenge, arson. — @boobsradley
  28. The worst part about getting scared is cleaning up the bejesus afterwards. —@VerifiedDrunk
  29. Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m a jerk. — @Lazy_Inks
  30. Is it “shit show” or “shitshow”? I wanna get this holiday family newsletter right. — @itsBABYSMITH
  31. So, the robber shouted, “Everyone lay down!” Then, I said, “’lie’ down.” Oddly enough, I was the only one shot. — @Scottzilla667
  32. Satan: Is there any way to make camping worse? Inventor of the music festival: I’m about to blow your mind. — @sofarrsogud
  33. I’m fortunate to have so many people in my life who care about my problems. Heck, I’ve even had complete strangers yell “What’s your problem, lady?” — @ddsmidt
  34. Every Trump official statement sounds like something he’d yell while being dragged out of a restaurant. — @bazecraze
  35. The best thing about being a man is the ability to pee anywhere. That and the patriarchy. — @Bob_Janke
  36. Being a Marine is brutal. First day of boot camp they cut your hair without so much as a, “What are we thinking today?” — @kipconlon
  37. Your baby has no idea that you threw him a first-birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends. — @SethMacFarlane
  38. Is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat? — various
  39. It’s weird that we use the phrase “like taking candy from a baby” to mean something easy instead of something disturbingly psychopathic. — @TheAndrewNadeau
  40. Someday, God willing, I will attend my children’s weddings, refuse to eat what they serve and demand butter noodles and nuggets. — @mollymcnearney


  1. If you’re a baby, don’t even think about playing peek-a-boo with me. You will lose. — @Cpin42
  2. My boyfriend is so loyal he doesn’t even watch porn with girls in it. — @bIiccy
  3. “Sarah Huckabee Sanders” sounds like something your grandmother yells instead of swear words. — @louisvirtel
  4. I went to Burger King and asked to speak to the real Burger King. The cashier said there is no actual Burger King, then the manager came out and said “excuse us” and she took the cashier to the back and I heard two gunshots then the manager came back and said the Burger King is very busy. — @GrahamKritzer
  5. Begin all replies in job interviews with, “if you must know.” — @kipconlon
  6. My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked– and Tigger??? — @mariana057
  7. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your text message sooner. In my defense, I don’t value your time or your feelings. — @lmegordon
  8. This holiday season, remember that no matter what language a person speaks, what their skin color or gender identification is, or what political or religious views they hold, everyone just wants the same thing: for you to check out their podcast. — @tammygolden
  9. There is no ‘i’ in gaslight. —  @neat_hot
  10. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask: ”why? What did you hear?” — various
  11. When you see a donation from “anonymous,” that was me. — @Cpin42
  12. I sign off with “kind regards” but, secretly, all my regarding is malicious. — @spaziotwat
  13. The priest put the ashes on my forehead in the shape of an “L” — @RodLacroix
  14. The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out. — @TheAndrewNadeau
  15. One day you’re young and wild and then suddenly it’s: “When did the grocery store start playing such good music?” — @ozzyunc
  16. Mansplaining is when a man explains something to you that you already know. — @DurtMcHurtt
  17. I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit. But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once. — @Kateness8
  18. If Fox News had been around in 1955, we’d still have polio. — @HelenKennedy
  19. Idea: An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission. Call it AirBnE. — @riot4rach
  20. Therapist: So, picking up where we left off, you said you feel like a whiny bitch. Patient: I never said that. Therapist: Oops, my notes. — @AmishPornStar1
  21. My retirement plan is “cross that bridge when I get to it and hope it’s not a toll bridge. — @RickAaron
  22. Yes Carly Simon, he sounds like a narcissist. But it seems gratuitous to repeatedly call him out for thinking the song was about him when the song was indeed about him. — @MelvinofYork
  23. The labor shortage is so bad they are now encouraging long haired, freaky people to apply. — various
  24. Mama: Another monkey fell off the bed, what should I do? Doctor: I feel like we’ve been over this already. — @YSylon
  25. You know what makes this pineapple on my pizza taste even better? Your disapproval. — @KusCourtney1
  26. Most people can be deceived with flattery. Except you. You’re too smart for that. — @JaredATullos
  27. Work Tip: If a coworker doesn’t answer your email in the first five minutes, show initiative by sending a follow up email saying, “What’s your problem?” — @Home_Halfway
  28. Reese Witherspoon’s favorite dairy snack is yogurt. Reese Withoutaspoon’s favorite dairy snack is Gogurt. — @girlwit0filter
  29. Investor: so it’s like a spoon going into a baby’s mouth? Orville Wright: But in the air, yes. — @TheAndrewNadeau
  30. I don’t think anyone actually hates to break it to you. — @mack44_d
  31. Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time. — @mariana057
  32. Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question. — @ranjit
  33. The five stages of climate change: 1. Denial. 2. Guilt. 3. Depression. 4. Acceptance. 5. Drowning. — @TheTweetOfGod
  34. When you don’t want to teach kids about slavery but want to preserve confederate monuments, that’s called hypocritical race theory. — @OhNoSheTwitnt
  35. Hate is a strong word. Maybe because I’ve been giving it quite a workout. — @UnFitz
  36. I don’t understand why I, an American, have to wait at red lights. — @Prof_Hinkley
  37. Just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods. Her boyfriend would have helped, but he was out of town. — @mariana057
  38. I’m starting a gourmet restaurant that serves exclusively dishes you’d only have after midnight at home. Our signature dish is a handful of shredded cheese you eat leaning over a sink. — @TheAndrewNadeau
  39. “Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes. — @JohnLyonTweets
  40. Not knowing much about Greek mythology is my Achilles’ Horse. — @MatthewPCrowley


  1. You never realize how many people you don’t like until you try to name a baby. –@PickleRudd
  2. Note to self: Don’t dance like no one is watching when everyone is watching. –@suecorvette
  3. If 2020 had a soundtrack it would be Yoko Ono screaming into a 55-gallon drum.  — @BobTheSuit
  4. Goldilocks on Xanax: You know what? These are all fine. — @aotakeo
  5. Interviewer: Your resume says you lose focus easily. Me: Yes. Interviewer: Yes what? Me: Yes, please.  — @FredTaming
  6. The more words it takes to order your coffee, the more everyone hates you. –@Token_Geezer
  7. Never bring an “I did the dishes” to a “You never pick things up” fight. –@Chhapiness
  8. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. — @Lisaley
  9. My license to kill is a lot less intimidating when you see that it requires me to wear corrective lenses. — @CheeseDaydreams
  10.  Updated Magic 8 Ball answers: Doesn’t matter, society is dying / Neurotic much? / Like I’d know / What am I, your shrink? / Google it / Have you tried drugs? / Turn it off and on / (This answer violated the Twitter Rules about glorifying violence) / Ask your dad / Walk it off, sissy.  –@GianDoh
  11. A lot of dudes are saying they’re leaving 6 feet of space between us when it’s really only 5 feet 10 inches. — @i_Lean
  12. *This quarantine is affecting everyone in the work force, but it’s especially bad for men. We’re losing $1 for every 79 cents women are losing. — @_RyanKirk
  13.  I’m very tired of having a President who is every Wonka kid but Charlie. –@JElvisWeinstein
  14.  Fortunately God hates all the same things that I do. –@wildethingy
  15.  Raising my kids to question authority backfired a lot sooner than I expected. –@SladeWentworth
  16.  We’re gonna have to retire the expression “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out humans do not do that. –@JennyENicholson
  17. Me, struggling to make conversation on a first date: Tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.  –@TheNewsAtGlenn
  18.  In the next verse of the song, the mother of the five little monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.  –@LizerReal
  19.  “I’m here” is always true. — @WilliamAder
  20.  My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush! — @JohnLyonTweets
  21.  Dating after 40 is basically wondering how come someone’s single then slowly figuring it out. — @thexybeatht
  22. If I were an action star, my catchphrase before killing the bad guy would be, “Sorry, you’ve read your last free article.” — @mrtimlong
  23. I’ve had it up to here with vague measurements. — @GianDoh
  24.  Turns out you can’t donate somebody else’s body to science. Glad I checked first. And they ask tons of questions.  –@amandajpanda
  25.  Telling your kids about Santa is like the Vietnam War. It’s not until you’re about seven or eight years into it that you realize you don’t have an exit strategy. –@lloydrang
  26.  You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa. –@PoodleSnarf
  27. Dear Santa, You didn’t get me the thesaurus I asked for and now I’m mad. You made me really mad. I’m mad at you. –@DrakeGatsby
  28.  What the heck is up with cole slaw? Someone was just like, “I love mayo so much. … However, you know what would make it better? Cabbage.” –@Shenaniglenns
  29.  I’m gonna start saying, “That’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me. — @Kateness8
  30.  (1936) John Steinbeck: What’d you think of my draft of “Of Mouse and Man”? Publisher: It needs more characters. Steinbeck: I’ll see what I can do. — @UncleDuke1969
  31. I maintain social distancing in public by wearing a T-shirt that reads, “Ask Me About My Podcast.” –@AmishPornStar1
  32.  The only rock musician I want to meet is Paul McCartney so I can tell him there should be a comma between “Hey” and “Jude.” — @WilliamAder
  33. Phrases I hope I never hear again: 1. At the end of the day. 2. It is what it is. 3. Think outside the box. 4. Get your ducks in a row. 5. Please sir, you’re making a scene. –@JoeRegular4
  34. “That’s a great picture of you” means “You look nothing like that.” — @mayamanion
  35.  I can’t believe how rude it was to write the song “You Are So Beautiful,” but to then add “to me” in parentheses.  –@jessokfine
  36.  One thing no one ever tells you about being an adult is how much time you’ll debate yourself about keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box. –@madameanthro
  37.  Fifty percent of Roger Federer’s name is “er.” –@DrGABaines
  38.  Why do any heroes wear capes? Name one thing you can do better in a cape. The real heroes are people who don’t dress like idiots. –@portmanteauface
  39.  Start off all new conversations with “I need to talk to you about something.” Even if you just need to borrow a pen. Everyone needs a little boost of anxiety in their day. –@dumbbeezie
  40.  Want to feel old? Pebbles Flintstone’s been dead for 2 million years. — @kipconlon


  1. A day without coffee is like — just kidding, I have no idea —various 
  2. My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did).  — @MindyFurano
  3.  Driver’s Ed: 10 and 2. Real Life: 7 and french fries. — @blahdevivre
  4. My friends asked me to go camping so I made a list of the things I will need: 1. New friends. — @RobinMcCauley
  5.  I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me. Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly. — @Parkerlawyer
  6.  I’m starting to think my “coexist” bumper sticker isn’t working. — @meganamram
  7.  I never say “It’s the least I can do.” I know in my heart I can always do less. — @Jake_Vig
  8. I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers and sisters who came before him and are no longer part of the family. @krisv_723
  9. Fox News has done to our parents what our parents thought video games would do to us. — @AllenCMarshall
  10.  When I run into an old friend and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet. @fimoculous
  11. Gotta say, I love living by the sword. I hope there are no consequences for this. — @InternetHippo
  12.  If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years. — @nerdreign
  13. We need a follow-up song where Dolly Parton comes to her senses and thanks Jolene for taking that cheating dirtbag off her hands. — @BoomBoomBetty
  14.  Having a bad vocabulary is very bad. — @RyanThmpsn
  15.  Jesus loves you, but, honestly, he could do so much better. — @bornmiserable
  16.  A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it — @Roweboat13G
  17.  My Magic 8 Ball contains a polyhedron that on all 20 sides says, “You’re a grown man. Put this thing down.” –@RickAaron
  18.  Imagine being a jolly good fellow and some jerk coming in trying to deny it. — @Flora__Flora
  19.  So you’re saying that if I fool you twice I’m off the hook? — @TheAlexNevil
  20.  My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched. — @Drstevenhobbs
  21.  God grant me the serenity to exploit my enemies’ insecurities against them, the courage to drag them down into a hell of their own making and the wisdom to document it so I can enjoy it again at a future date (@SamGrittner)
  22.  I’ll tell you who gets a bad rap. Anyone who asks me to do a rap (@craiguito)
  23. What I’ve learned from the internet is that access to an almost limitless amount of information actually makes people dumber (@wildethingy)
  24. Never ever tell yourself, “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is, “What if a dog was big?” And that nonsense has been going for more than 60 years (@_AlexHirsch)
  25. His last words were, “You seem upset.” (@lloydrang)
  26. Establish dominance over your therapist by saying, “No, your time is up.” (@TheAlexNevil)
  27.  The “back” in “horseback riding” is probably unnecessary (@MrMattThomas)
  28.  I lost a contact at the gym, and while I was searching for it people started gathering around, and, long story short, I teach yoga now. (@Darlainky)
  29. I hate to break this to you but if you just “bang on the drum all day,” eventually it will start to feel like work (@MelvinofYork)
  30.  I don’t mind not being everyone’s cup of tea because “everyone’s cup of tea” seems unsanitary (@jamdugg)
  31.  Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist, it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again (@AsiaDNY)
  32.  Keep your friends close and people who have photos of you from the ’80s closer (@JohnLyonTweets)
  33.  The chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does — to avoid running into someone it knew (@minkpinkustink)
  34.  Fellas, if you don’t know what you did wrong, do not under any circumstances start guessing (@NotTodayEric)
  35.  On your deathbed, tell everyone “pray for me.” Then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says, “pray harder next time” (@GrantTanaka)
  36.  Those silica packets that say “do not eat” are part of a conspiracy to keep us from consuming them and becoming impervious to moisture (@abbycohenwl)
  37.  I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival, but it was a hollow victory (@JohnLyonTweets)
  38.  Fun game: Try to guess someone’s name based solely on their face, the various conversations you’ve had with them and the many times they’ve actually told you their name (@wildethingy)
  39.  Disney gave me unrealistic ideas about how I’d look after a nap (@MorticiaKate)
  40. Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you (@Mothernetic)


  1. I don’t engage in gossip at work, but I can tell you who does (@scott_towel)
  2. If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more,” and you won’t see her looking sad ever again because you will be dead (@JohnLyonTweets)
  3. While at an art museum, ask yourself these three questions: What is the artist’s intention? How does the art make you feel? Have you stood in front of the art as long as a smart person would? (@caraweinberger)
  4. Me: I wish I had a nickname. Coworker: You do. (@IamJackBoot)
  5. The horn on the bus goes beep beep beep / Beep beep beep / Beep beep beep. / The horn on the bus goes beep beep beep / The driver’s filled with rage (@UnFitz)
  6. Thoughts and prayers: the air guitar of helping (@Manglewood)
  7. I just changed my organ donor status so that now all of my organs go to Ruth Bader Ginsburg even if I’m still alive (@DesiJed)
  8. Airline pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond (@SkinnerSteven)
  9. There’s an insane emphasis put on telling babies what noises animals make. They don’t need to know that. The only people who need to know that are blind farmers (@MrDCJackson)
  10. I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams (@SmartassChef)
  11. If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet (@tracietom)
  12. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead (@badbanana)
  13. Always be tolerant of your wife’s flaws because if she didn’t have them, maybe she could have gotten a better husband (@CulturedRuffian)
  14. I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another (@mrjohndarby)
  15. If someone says they’d “like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them (@MunkMania)
  16. How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results? (@ThePhilFactor)
  17. To maintain a close family bond, I like to send my children a “good morning” text every day as we gather around the breakfast table (@TuSoonShakur)
  18. Ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs (unknown)
  19. When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down (@wildethingy)
  20. To the person who just accused me of asking too many rhetorical questions: How dare you? (@MJMcKean)
  21. If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death (@ConanOBrien)
  22. If you say “liberry” instead of “library,” we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart one (@BoomBoomBetty)
  23. Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night (@effinghandbook)
  24. My mother-in-law likes me so much she asked if I would take the family photo this year (@WorstCassie)
  25. I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name (@IamJackBoot)
  26. I, for one, am a great fan of Roman numeral puns (@IHPower)
  27. Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk (@ddsmidt)
  28. I still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go” (@TweetPotato314)
  29. So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce (@AndrewNadeau0)
  30. Me *waking from surgery* “How did it go?” Hospital lawyer: Great! *checks notes nervously* The only side effect is you may have false memories of having had two legs. (@wildethingy)
  31. My bad. I thought you said you were telling me that with confidence, not in confidence. Anyway your wife is pretty angry (@MelvinofYork)
  32. Alcohol is not the answer. Unless you’re asking what I’m doing tonight, then it is the answer (@427desi)
  33. One good thing about taking the high road — traffic is light these days. (@lloydrang)
  34. My wife has this weird way of starting every conversation with ‘…are you even paying attention!?’ (@better_off_dad)
  35. Doctor: Your IQ test results are abysmal Me: Is… is that good? (@SteveSuckington)
  36. Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing Christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoelaces (@TheAlexNevil)
  37. How does Time Warner not make alarm clocks? (@fro_vo)
  38. If I built a snowman and put a hat on him and he came to life I would immediately beat him to death with a shovel (@AndrewNadeau0)
  39. Same Secret Santa gift again this year. Co-workers must think I really love mouthwash (@kipconlon)
  40. I bet the other two wise men were like “the gold is from all of us.” (@NotthatAdamWest)


  1. Seeded grapes are perfect for when you want someone to have grapes but also you hate them. (@AndrewNadeau0)
  2.  Lost cat? Cats know where they live. Your cat didn’t like you. (@EddieMcSugarnut)
  3. I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those. (@JohnLyonTweets)
  4. I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries. (@inanimatecorpse)
  5.  If duct-taping a Matchbox Trans Am to one’s ear and pretending it’s a Bluetooth device is wrong, then maybe — hang on, I’ve got to take this. (@nattylumpo88)
  6. All bread is Wonder Bread if you’re a philosopher. (@Home_Halfway)
  7.  I finally have the body I want after a rigorous six month program of lowering my expectations. (@MichaelTrying)
  8.  Not saying Trump’s inauguration crowd was small, but I found Waldo in like three seconds. (@WilliamAder)
  9. Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me. Complete strangers sometimes. (@Spaziotwat)
  10. Republicans are the true snowflakes — they’re all white, they’re cold, and if you put enough of ’em together they’ll shut down public schools. (@mrbenwexler)
  11. What kind of psychopath works on the railroad all the live long day just to pass the time away? (@GianDoh)
  12.  I always say thank you to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I am nice. (@rgay)
  13. In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod. (@yerpalmildsauce)
  14. Thank heavens that horrid Hillary Clinton isn’t president right now! Why, her laughter occasionally seems somewhat forced! (@longwall26)
  15. It’s possible that the man who looked over at my plate and said, “Wow, you ordered a lotta food” meant well, but there’s no way to know, as he is dead now. (@jenstatsky)
  16. Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime. (@Elizasoul80)
  17.  Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.” Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.” (@dmc1138)
  18.  Doctor: What seems to be the problem? Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor. Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms? Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart. (@Adyaces)
  19. How to find out if you’re old. Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic, you’re old. (@oigoabuya)
  20. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl … it’s 14. (@DanMentos)
  21.  A lot of scuttlebutt around the office about how I use silly, outdated phrases for gossip (@AndyAsAdjective)
  22. Sorry I didn’t make it to your ninja dress-up party. Or did I? (@Tim_Hawken)
  23. If you can’t think of a word, say, “I forget the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot. (@AndrewNadeau0)
  24. Back in my day, the only people who said stuff like “back in my day” were old people. I sure am glad that’s changed. (@DaddyJew)
  25. * Everyone who thought having a “CEO President” would be a good idea, raise your hand. OK, now use that hand to punch yourself in the face. (@gknauss)
  26.  Inspired by Trump, I’m going to eat a bowl of ice cream then deny eating a bowl of ice cream then tweet that I ate a bowl of ice cream. (@RexHuppke)
  27. “Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realized I’d been invited to an autopsy. (@Diversion50)
  28. My girlfriend said that sex is better on vacation. That wasn’t the postcard I was expecting. (various)
  29. My 7-year-old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that bitcoin is real. (@Elizasoul80)
  30. I work out religiously. I go to the gym once a week and spend the other six days judging people who never go. (@lloydrang)
  31.  If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut. (various)
  32. With global warming, we are finally avenging the Titanic. (@OfficeofSteve)
  33. My doctor suggested I eat better, exercise regularly, & quit drinking … We laughed and laughed! Then he gave me a bunch of prescriptions. (@AmishPornStar1)
  34.  I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family. You know, the bad kind of rich. (@AndrewNadeau0)
  35. Honestly, son, that night light just makes it easier for the monsters to find you. (@Rich_McCarthy)
  36. Doctor: I’m sorry to say you’re dying. Me: Is there anything else you can do? Doctor: Yes! I can play the piano! (@mrjohndarby)
  37. Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it. (@thedadonline)
  38. “I did it my way.” — Frank Sinatra. “I fail to see what business it is of yours how I did it.” — Secretive Sinatra. (@Okeating)
  39. Your serial killer name is your first name plus your middle name plus your last name. (@kashanacauley)
  40. Not true, Little Drummer Boy. You could have given the baby your drum. (@badbanana)


  1. The cashier at McDonald’s said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch. — @sammontgomery
  2. You can have my fireworks when you pry them from my cold dead fingers, which are right over there by the sidewalk. — @badbanana
  3. Do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? No? How about now?”– @rachelle_mandik
  4. My spelunking addiction brought me to a really dark place. — @SkinnerSteven
  5. Cop knocks on door, woman answers and cop removes his hat* Mrs. Niceguy? I have terrible news — @michaeljhudson
  6. (First date) DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous and involuntarily start speaking French. ME (leans across the table): Oh really? DATE: Yes. — @ArfMeasures
  7. To everyone who ever doubted me in high school: who gave you the heads up? — @SamGrittner
  8. Therapist: Let’s look at why you feel like such a big dumb loser. Me: I didn’t say that. Therapist (looks at notes): Well, one of us did.– @david8hughes
  9. When a movie says ‘Based on a true story,’ it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people. — @HollyMemphis
  10. A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder. — @JohnLyonTweets
  11. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist. — @shutupmay
  12. All Donald Trump needs to do now is appoint a Holocaust-denier to run the Holocaust Museum and he’ll have a complete set. — @BettyBowers
  13. If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “This’ll do.'” — @SamGrittner
  14. I don’t take no for an answer. Unless the question is “Do you take no for an answer?” — @iGreenMonk
  15. The rhyming only made things worse when Dr. Seuss told his patients they had cancer. — @Cpin42
  16. In hell, the mariachi band never leaves your table. — @lovestained555
  17. Clever trick to never overcook pasta again: Walk into the sea until you weaken and the tide draws you down into a briny oblivion. — @longwall26
  18.  According to the journal hidden in the bottom drawer of my neighbor’s nightstand, her neighbor ‘is creepy and has serious boundary issues.  — @CelebrityChez
  19. I don’t want to talk about my small pizza, it’s personal. — @mattknudsen
  20. This Halloween I’m going to dress up as me from last Halloween, when I dressed up as future me. — @online_shawn
  21. “Don’t take this the wrong way “– Lazy pharmacist — @ewfeez
  22. What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being whiny about it, so now I’m asking for me. — @imdaintyaf
  23. I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing. — @friedmanjon
  24. I’m gonna die surrounded by my loved ones, but it’ll just be me choking on food and no one noticing because they’re staring at their phones. — @Elizasoul80
  25. And when there were twelve sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when you played beach volleyball with Jesus. — @SamGrittner
  26. Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel. — @Nickadoo
  27. Taking candy from a baby would actually be a responsible thing to do. — @Shower4Thought
  28. I’m starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined. — @Sarcasticsapien
  29. Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull-out method,” where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party and no one will have sex with you. — @Untresor
  30. “No means no.” – Day 1 of Spanish class. — @Gooooats


  1. Canadian bacon is basically ham with healthcare. —  @matthewbaldwin
  2. I got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one. OK, wait, I got 66 problems. — @fro_vo
  3. Welcome to Sick Burns Up top. Down low. Too slow. Have a seat, let’s talk about what I did there. — @philyuck
  4. You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed. — @AmishPornStar1
  5. Maybe the baby wasn’t on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing. — @wickedsuga
  6. “Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.  — @BuckyIsotope
  7. [feeding baby] Wife: “Here comes the airplane.” Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: That was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here.” — @david8hughes
  8. Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan ….. @MrLloydSpandex
  9. “Can I get 2 boxes of Sudafed?” “Sorry, by law you can only buy one at a time.” “Okay then just the one box of Sudafed and these 7 guns.” ….@TheNardvark
  10. Sorry about the concussion Steve but it wouldn’t be called a “trust fall” if it worked every time. — @samfromks
  11. “You can take your purchase and shove it right up your ass!” — helpful employee at sex shop. —  @therealeatwood
  12. Actually, Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster. — @JosephScrimshaw
  13. Overactive Bladder Hotline. Can you hold please? …@topaz_kell
  14. Can God make a documentary so critically acclaimed even He feels guilty about not watching it? …@scottsimpson
  15. Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no…@InternetHippo
  16. How dare you call me mentally unstable on this, the day of my cat’s Quinceañera… @phranqueigh
  17. Never trust a man wearing more than zero necklaces…@audipenny
  18. Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport. …@JohnLyonTweets
  19. A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness. — @oldmanweldon
  20. Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse? — @ojedge
  21. No gifts to bring? More like Little Bummer Boy. [Mary and Joseph high five] –@OhNoSheTwitnt
  22. Not everyone was Kung Fu fighting, Mom. Some of us were trying to break it up — @Cpin42
  23. If your crush doesn’t text back, don’t worry. They’re probably just in the middle of something, like reading your texts out loud to friends. — @jwoodham
  24. Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet. — @Nickadoo
  25. Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing. … @P1ssed_K1d
  26. I remind people of a young Brad Pitt when I say, “Hey, remember young Brad Pitt?” … @CakeThrottle
  27. Never in a million years would I ask a tambourine man to play a song for me…@deathoftheparty
  28. A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone’s face & demand where the real snacks are…. @aparnapkin
  29. I’d be super embarrassed if people saw my Google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now…@kiralc
  30. Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend…@Mike_Bianchi
  31. A gentle reminder: The confederate flag is about “states rights” the way the swastika is about “fixing the German economy.” …@JohnRossBowie
  32. Gonna start bailing on things by saying “sorry, I can’t, that place is within 1,000 feet of a school” … @meganamram
  33. My dog used to bring me the newspaper, but now he just forwards me links. … @StephenAtHome
  34. I used to wear a fanny pack but I stopped after it filled up with girls phone numbers….@Home_Halfway
  35. Call me old fashioned but I just drowned a woman for having the devil inside of her…. @HelloCullen
  36. HOW TO TALK TO PRETTY GIRLS YOU SEE IN THE STREET: Don’t. Don’t do this. They don’t want to talk to you. Really. Yes, you. Please stop. No…@vornietom
  37. Does everyone get `take by mouth’ printed on their prescription pills or did the pharmacist look me over and think hmm…this guy might go the other way? …@GiantsofDiving
  38. The best time on an analog clock is 6:30. Hands down. …@HammerFist3
  39. Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it…@POOPSCRUFFIN4U
  40. It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood. — @TheAlexNevil


  1. Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee … @Jake Vig ‏
  2.  Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year….@AmishPornStar1
  3. The sequel to Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory is just a series of horrified people finding parts of missing kids in their chocolate bars…Rob Fee
  4. The two types of people are the ones who know what I’m saying and people who don’t know what I’m saying. That’s why I always ask….. @andrewti
  5. I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” fads … @GerryHallComedy
  6. Welcome to the Simon Says club, please take a seat. Wow, okay. You three who sat down, Simon says go home. Unbelievable… @staynobody
  7.  I am the Sir Thomas Erpingham at Agincourt of unnecessarily obscure historical references … @longwall26
  8. I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog. …. @cheeseboy22
  9.  I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14 … @DanMentos
  10.  Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?..Samuel H. Lowe
  11. I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…Evan Fabri
  12. When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again….Cluedont
  13.  This movie has “adult situations”? So, they’re gonna, like, get acid reflux and try to set up direct deposit?….Caissie St.Onge
  14. If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years…..nerdreign
  15. Since my mother passed two years ago, my dental hygienist has filled the role of Person Disappointed in Everything I Do…..Matt Haughey
  16. A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it….Agent Average
  17.  Think your biggest fear is being buried alive? Nope, it’s being buried alive with Flo from Progressive. … @BadBanana
  18. It’s good they call it the Statue of Liberty so, right off the bat, you know it’s a statue and not a giant or something…. @BadBanana
  19.  How do you end an argument with a woman? Tell her to calm down. You’re dead now, but the argument is over….Sara
  20. My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did) ….Mindy Furano
  21. Happy penis to Sigmund Freud. What? No, I’m pretty sure I said “birthday.”…@DJRotaryRachel
  22. And then one day you realize you’re older and fatter than old fat Elvis…..@BadBanana
  23. Jesus is like Frank Zappa: a talented, forward thinking guy with insufferable fans…. Rachel Lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel)
  24.  Before telling a story, ask yourself, “Is this more entertaining than anything this person could be doing on their phone?”…@DamienFahey
  25. “You’re a lucky man.” is a great way to tell someone, “I’d like to have sex with your wife.”…@DamienFahey
  26. “W.A.D.” — a simple mnemonic device for remembering the steps in folding a fitted sheet — stands for: 1. Wad it up; 2. And; 3. Done…@MatthewBaldwin
  27.  I finished last in an origami contest because I refused to fold under pressure….@BadBanana
  28. Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home. … @yuckybot
  29.   I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I don’t want you to guess, I just thought you should know … .@bridger_w
  30.  Has “That Should Be A Band Name” been a band name? Because that should be a band name….Dave Holmes
  31. . People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier….Mark Leggett
  32. If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation…..Trevor S
  33.  Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird….. El Knuckelhombre
  34.  I’m not mad at you, son, just disappointed. Ha ha! Just kidding. I’m both. It’s really easy to be both….@Longwall26
  35.  If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show. … @LizHackett
  36.  Scooby Doo is the most useless member of the Scooby Doo team why is the show named after him, the show should be called “Velma”…Milk
  37.  In my youth, there was no Snapchat. If you liked a young lady, you’d draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents. … @Jamie1947
  38. Can’t tell you the number of times I’ve walked down the street and women have told me to smile. Oh, yes I can. It’s zero. — @ScottSimpson
  39.  Seven Other Habits of Highly Effective People: Nagging, Scapegoating, Narcissism,Weaponry, Inherited wealth, Total lack of scruples, Cocaine. — @TheTweetOfGod
  40. Why do people call the deceased “late”? They aren’t late.. They aren’t coming. — @shot_of_cabo